Friday, December 31, 2010

Thanks 2010

2010 as a whole really wasn't half bad. Sure I have my regrets but doesn't everybody? I've learned a lot about life, love and friends. I'm growing closer to learning who I am. And I'm growing closer to cracking the mystery's of my past. I would say that it's just another year gone by but that would be such a lie. It's been so much more than a year. It's been a journey, and a battle for so many things. I'm getting closer to becoming a year older and with that brings more wisdom, maturity and responsibility. I'm no longer a child but I'm not yet an adult. It's a hard place to be stuck but you end up learning a lot. It's offically come to a year that I've had this blog and it's finny to look back at the things that plagued me this time last year. Because those same things barely make me blink an eye now. I've become stronger and harder. I've figured out the things that effect me so much. Things that I never thought did. You find out you (me) have major trust issues because of your cousin. I'm not yet done battling her, yes it's quited for now but with her there is always a nect time. But I'm looking forward to the resolutions that i have come to. So now you need to hear about them. The first resolution I've come to is that I have to start putting aside my prejudices and excepting people for who they are. The second resolution is to try harder to be nicer, no matter who the person is everybody deserves a fair chance to see my kindness. My third and final resolution is that I need to stop trying to prove myself, to prove that I'm experiemce. I don't need to prove anything to anybody. I can just be me. And well I guess I kind of have a fourth but I guess it goes without saying, just be myself. Who I aa. I'm still trying to figure that out. But 2010 is a year worth remembering. And I intend to remember it. 2011 will bring new things, things I've never even dreamed of happening. So I"m looking forward to another year full of memories and lessons learned. So thanks 2010 for everything you've given me.
Love, Anissa

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Oh my

Have you ever gotten to a point in your life where somethings wrong and you just can't seem to tell yourself what. I've pushed aside. I've pretended. I've cryed. But yet I still don't know excatly what's wrong. I can list you all the things I think are wrong but none of them seem right. I can cry a million more tears and still not know what's wrong. I feel gulity, I feel hated, I feel frightened, I feel insecure. I feel a million more things too. Now I'm not helpless I'm making it through, even when it feels so hard that I'd much rather die. I have to keep going because in these times you know that if you just push through they'll be a light at the end of the tunnel. And no i'm not suicidal not about to even attempt to kill myself. So don't even get that idea. But when I sit down with all my emotions sometimes it's too much the worst thing I do is cry and maybe clean but other than that there is nothing more I can do. I can't confront a problem because I don't have one that I can see. I love my life that's no lie. And at the same time I wish I could've lived a different life that's no lie either. I don't lie or at least I try hard not to. Which is what makes wonder what excatly it is that makes me feel gulity. Maybe it was something I said that I wish I didn't or maybe it was something I though. But either way I feel it and I can't take it back whatever I did. When I look at all my friends I have to be truthful I see nothing but love, and respect. But lately I just can't help but seem to feel so hated, like someone's hiding something from me. Like something's bothering someone who's close to me and it's about me. I'm beginning to be scared of the future, what change the future might bring. I mean everything's gonna change in life at one point but I just get so frightened of my whole world crashing down and burning. I feel insecure and like I'm helpless although I'm not. I feel like I've lost all my courage. Like I've lost everything I am. I know that I haven't but yet I simply cannot stop myself from feeling that way. Life is a battle and it isn't over until the day we die. I'd rather be killed in battle than be killed by my emotions and I refuse to let my emotions take over.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Dear God

I've never been the most faithful person as far as going to church and such goes. But I've always had such strong faith in the workings of God. I believe that he's always with me one way or another and the time I feel his precense the most is around christmas. For me christmas is so much differnt it's about giving and not how much you spend or the gift you give but the fact that your gave them a gift to begin with. That you cared about them enough to give them a gift. I try so hard every year to get all my closet friends just a little something even if it isn't much. Because I know a little kindness goes a long way. But at this point don't we all? This year money has kind of been a crunch for me. And it's really simply just my fault I spent my money on stupid things I didn't really need instead of thinking of the others around me. I give everybody a little something every year even if it isn't much but I know how much it means this time of year. And as far as religion goes for me I think sort of strangely I guess you could say. I don't like to believe that jesus exists really I mean I except the belief but I refuse to believe it. But I just want one person that I can't see to worry about one person I can connect to ya know? And for me there's only one God and he doesn't have kids. But I believe so strongly in my faith and believe that he's there up there somewhere listening to my prayers. I believe everything's better when you open your doors and your heart to love of God. He knows you better than anyone and he's only you can totally trust without any question. He's knows all the answer's to life's greatest questions. And he's there so all those questions eventually have answers. I've never really though about it another way. And I really don't think I need to. I have my faith and that's all there really is to it for me. I'm the kinda person who believes so strongly in things and will fight anybody who argues against it until the ends of the earth. But I'm guessing most of you already know that. I don't like to be told things are wrong, or bad when it's really only a matter if opinon. That's the way I see it whether it be your cellphone service or your taste in music it's all really the same. And it's all really based on nothing but opinons. I love what I love my music, my hair, and my faith. I love them all and never ever want to change them. And I never want to be argued about my opinon. That is defiently my biggest pet peeve. Anyways I love my faith and believe it so strongly. Thanks so much God for simply being there when I needed you.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Painted out of the Picture

At the beginning of the summer I told myself this would be the summer of my life. I assumed you and I were still close. But I was so wrong. I was nothing to you anymore. But of course I didn't know that. It made me think maybe you didn't want to be friends with me either, but you didn't have the guts to tell me. Did you know that we're judged all by the choices we make rather than the person we actually are. Your reputation is made up of the choices you make. And I hate to break it to you, but this time you chose wrong. I'm never going to be able to look at you the same way again. But I guess I knew this long before, this happened we weren't walking paths that intersected anymore. It was too late, there was no reset button, no magic fix it buttin. There was no way to fix it at all. We both knew that but we just couldn't bring ourselves to face that reality. Our friendship was done and long past over. We both knew it too. And now I wish I had told myself the truth. Maybe I didn't because I didn't want to let go. I didn't want to let go of the past because the future seemed so uncertain. But the truth is it's always been like that but in this instant I didn't see a future for you and me. So I held on as tight as I could. But that just made it harder to let fo. I'd love to tell you all it ended in a clean break. But it simply didn't. Our break was jaged. It has many cracks and now there are pieces missing. We can never be fit together in the same way again. Our frienship is just too broken to ever be fixed. Our picture is just too faded. When I look back at the memories you've given me, the good and the bad, I wouldn't want them any other way. You have helped me be who I am now and I thank you for that. No matter how much I loath you now. To be truthful. I don't hate you, I could never hat you, but I don't respect who you are now. I always thought I knew you, but now your not you. There's something missing, some tiny little glitch, and it's not my job to fix it. No matter how much I want to, but I can't, it's not my problem. Your no longer part of my picture. Sometimes I question if you ever really were. But then I look back and see the picture with the little white blob where your face used to be. Where you were painted out of my picture. Sweetie I hate to break it to you but it works both ways. The thing about pictures is there's nothing you can hide everything is there in your smile, everything shows in your eyes. And pictures are made of paper so you can smply rip them down the middle and be done with it. That's kind of like what you did except you didn't want to ruin your perfect world with something as messy as ripping. So you simply painted over me and that's really all there was to it.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

The Climb

Although most people don't like Miley Cyrus or Hannah Montana when you really listen to her music it means something and it says something about her or her character. I haven't really done research to see if she actually wrote her songs. But my favorite is defiently "The Climb" it tells you a lot about life. Life wasn't made to be easy or one smooth path, there are so many different rocky, uneven paths that we'll all take to get to the top of that mountain. The top of the moutain will always be so close, but just a tiny bit out of reach until the day we die. That's how life was made to be. Life's a climb but the view's great. Which means in the end your life was worth it and you don't regret anything. The way that songs looks at life is reality. Life is something you must work for and hiding and keepign secrets from the ones you love won't get you anywhere. It taxes you and makes life so much harder than it needs to be. It's like trying to climb up the side of the mountain but there's a big smooth bolder in the way clearly blocking your path, you can't go over it, you can't go under it, you can't go around it, and well you can't go through it. So that leaves you with what choice? Turn around and go home? Is that even an option in life? In life when there's no solution you don't give up, you should never give up. You just keep fighting. No matter what even your set up to lose and you know you will. I'd rather die fighting for what I wanted or what I thought was right, then die not trying to win the endless game of life. Is that life really is? A game? I guess for some people it is but for me, I look at life with many, many analogys and I guess a game is one of them. But the difference is games end. But life doesn't. I mean ya we die but it takes a lot longer for us to die then a game takes to be played. The similarites between games and life are the fact that you won't always win or be winning. It won't always be your turn to go, your turn to shine. You won't always be able to make the choices for yourself or call your own shots. In life there never really is an always and a never. Everything in life comes with a someimes because we don't always get to decide what happens, and when it happens, what other people say and do. And all the things like that. Life is uncertain and it always will be that way. It's easier to experience what we can then to hid ourselves from the world around us, from the opprtunites that are waiting for us the minute we walk out our front door.

If Only

If only you had told me the truth, I wouldn't be sitting here wondering what else you've lied to me about. If only you had told me the truth it would've saved me some pain and hurt I find myself feeling. I would tell you to your face but one look into your twinkling eyes and I would forgive you in a heart beat. And for the facet that I don't like to fight and I don't like drama. But how could you think I wouldn't find out. How do you think I feel now? You are one of the best friends I've ever had but now I wonder where your loyalties lie? You see how that works? One wrong move and your whole existence is questioned. Does that seem right? Does that seem fair? Truthfully it never is but it's simply the price you pay. Millions of questions are flying through my mind. Questions I would never dare ask you. Was our friendship ever real, ever true? Who matters more me or him? These are the questions that burn in my mind the questions that I'll always desperatly want an answer to. And the questions everybody would ask Why did you do it? And What did I ever do to deserve this? Most of the time the answer is nothing. Nobody ever deserves to question their existence or anybody else's for that matter. People will always be in your life either to make it or break it, it's simply that even though that's the name of my all time favorite TV show. But it's a true fact of life. Right now whether I want to admit it or not I'm struggling with what, I don't know yet. That's the hardest part. I don't know what I'm struggling with. And I don't know how to get it out, whether it be on paper of some method. But you should know lately I'll turn to a blank sheet of paper and the words just don't come and I don't have the time to wait for them to come. I anticipated a huge writer's block during the duration of the summer but never did I think it would feel like this. That a part of myself would feel so empty without that writing. Writing to me is more than just words on paper. To me writing is about knowing what's going on inside your head. It's knowing youself

Monday, November 1, 2010

The Bigger Picture

Sometimes life seems great and wonderful to you but you step back and take a look at the bigger picure and the world is in tears it's raining and pouring. Everybody around you is living in poverty well you living in a manison on a hill. Not even being the good person and sharing your wealth with the people who aren't as fortunate. You see your friends sitting at the bottom of the hill sitting inbetween their little shacks enjoying a rolld of bread together. Because that's all they have left. They look aboslutely miserable, you climb down to try to understand. You get to the bottom and they all look up at you with those cold, sad, eyes realizing that your only passing through to steal their bread or destroy their shacks the idea of you coming to apologize or even try to understand is crazy. You look down at them again and speak asking "What Happed?". But again they only look up at you with the same cold, sad eyes, but this time they're full of wet shiny tears. They look away and you have no idea what to make of it. You climb back up the hill feeling like someone has stuck a needle just a tiny bit into your heart not enough so your in deathly pain but enough that you feel a pinch that will not go away. You've stepped back into your portion of the picture. I can't make you understand or make you see my picture. I can only show you what you want to see and nothing more. I can't make you see the outcome of your decisions or the tears cried because of you. I can only make you see what you want to. I can't undig the hole you've dug so deeply and I can't go back and change the things you've done. I can't make you see the bigger picutre. I can only do what people like me do sit here and let the pain and sorrow build up while I put on a smile that is fake to cover up the pain. I'm really sorry because I understand now. I understand the pain you've felt. And now I know that you can't truly understand something unless you've felt their pain. Until you've understood their sorrow. I'd never expect you to understand what you can't see. Everyday we choose the path we're going to take and everyday the path either changes or continues. Our lives aren't decided for us. We've got control whether we're 14 or 40 we ALWAYS have a choice. Take a look at the bigger picture before you draw a final conclusion or get mad at your friend for being angry with you. Set into their shoes and walk around for a while you may learn a lot and it may lead you to understand.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

What I realize now

I realize that you should never care what other people think. Their statement, judgement, or opinion isn't law so why must you go by it? Who cares what people think. They're only one person in the billions of people populating our planet. Why should their opinion count more than someone elses? Whats so special about them anyways? I realize that we're capable of anything if we tell ourselves we can do it. And I'm not joking. All we really need to do is believe that we can do it. Let go of all our greatest fears and just believe. Believe in ourselves and our capability to do just about anything we set our minds to. I accomplished one of my greatest fears. And after I did it I thought "wow that really wasn't as hard as I made it seem!". I realize that it's okay to lose yourself every once and a while. It's okay. Sometimes losing yourself is just what you need to get back on the track you wanna be on. I realize that you only get one chance at everything in life. Second chances are rare. I always wonder if I'll be blessed to have a second chance at the things I messed up. The things that aren't too late to fix. I was lucky enough to be able to patch up my life to recreate what I needed that I had lost. I always thin about how not everybody gets to be that lucky. What happens to the people who can't patch up their lives? Are those the people that end up commiting sucide? I don't really have a complete answer to that question. But I know I was lucky beyond my wildest dreams. And that I might never get another chance like that. But I except that. I except the challenge we are all faced with. I realize now just how lucky I've been to have been touched by so many people. So many friends. The opprotunites my life's been given and the battles I was honored to fight in. The battles that I don't regret fighting. I realize how much of my life I regret the decisions I made, the people I decided to trus, and the people I pushed away. I wish I could've experienced life more and broken out of my protective shell and well lived a little! If only I had known who I'd be now then I'd probaly be in for the shock of my life! Because I was quiet and contained! And well look at me now. Well I've sure learned a lot over the years and I hope to learn much more. Every year older is a year wiser

Friday, August 27, 2010

Listening to Your Heart

We often find ourselves ignoring our hearts maybe because our minds are more important or because we really don't care what our hearts have to say. Either way it's constant whispers are often being neglected. I started to listen to my heart in 5th grade I remember that day excatly. I was walking up the soccer field lightly tapping my ball between my feet walking to my brother's soccer practice across the field. I looked around me and saw a guy, my age, in my class sitting on the field with 2 of his friends. I suddenly heard him whisper to his friends something about me being bad at dribbling. I was intended to hear it. And you probaly know this kid: short, dark-haired, extremely annoying must I say more? Well anyway that was the day I first heard my heart speaking to me. And the day my life changed forever. I was beginning to lose my innocence bit by bit. Slowly but surely. There was no stopping it now. I suddenly transformed into a giggly little school girl with my best friend and sidekick. It was picture perfect. But it could only last so long. The school year came to a close and so did that phase of my life. I barely talked to him after that even everyday that summer when I saw him at my pool club. Everything we had died. It was as simple as that. At the beginning I longed for everything back and sometimes still do. I miss what we had but I know now that I can live without him. Or maybe I found people along the way to patch up the holes he left behind. But then I met another who patched up all the holes but in turn cause one to hurt. He's one that now I simply cannot get over. No matter what I do. No matter what I try. I can't get him out of my head. I don't care if my guy psyic says I have no chance because he doesn't like me back. Because I know in my heart that's not true. I see that little annoying glitter in his eye when I walk by him in the hallway. I see when we catch eyes in class and we both snap our eyes away each of us afraid that the other will see deeper than the surface. And see what we both try so hard to hide. But I have to say he does an awful job of hiding it. Probaly due to the fact that most of the time he manages to be a total idiot. But for some reason I just can't manage to give up on him. I keep listening to my heart and my heart refuses to let go of him no matter what. So as long as my heart says so I won't give up. Sometimes listening to your heart is beneifical and other times it isn't. But living by what your heart says gets you farther than your head alone will. A quick warning to those who may doubt these very words : Sometimes your heart can be wrong.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Building A Wall

By the time septemeber hit it was too late I had spent all summer collecting materials for my wall. Construction was beginning. By the end of october the wall was finished and I was stuck behind it by my choosing. I was sick of people ruining my life and playing with my heart. So I made the decision to put up the wall to keep them out. All I had left for communication was a little slot 1 brick high and 2 bricks wide. I didn't think to bring anything to keep me alive. I had nothing.And the whole time I was there I blamed myself. I don't think that I would've survived without the love from my friends that could still reach me. The love that was endlessly pouring through my small little slot. And the very few people who could make the wall disappear for a moment in time so they could visit me. But it only lasted so long and then I was alone again. It's fair to say I spend a good 3 months trapped by choice behind that brick wall. I guess by mid-decemeber the little slot began to grow bigger. Big enough for someone to crawl through. And they started coming to visit me. Slowly but surely they did. And bit by bit they helped me take down my wall. They began to prove to me that I was not to blame. I was merely putty in another person's hands. They showed me that the world needed me. It just wasn't the same without me. So I agreed to come back but at first I needed them as my crutches. I was just too weak to stand on my own. But eventually I gained my strength back. And I was beginning to pull my shattered self. back together. I needed plenty of duck tape to hold myself together while I healed. I couldn't be the same exact person I was when that wall went up. I was just too broken. Too confused. Too hurt. To be the same person. I needed some new parts. And as soon as I obtained those new parts the healing process began. The ink of my emotions began to pour out onto paper. And the fiber of who I am began to take root. All the answers to my questions became clear. And I was done healing for the time being. I was free again and it felt amazing, to be free again. I was done playing by the rules someone else had set for me. I wasn't going to be anybody's puppet any longer. There was no body who would take me down. None of them had the nerve and even the few that did try didn't succeed. I was done being told who I was going to be, by people that had no right to control my life. I wasn;t putty in anybody's hands anymore. I was simply me and that was the end of it. I'm glad that I took down that inconvient wall because it got in the way of my living my life. I don't wish for it to not have happened because then a strip of my being would be ripped away from me. Sometimes we need the reality check to prove to ourselves that we're wrong and that it's never too late to right your wrong.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Life is Too Short

Although I haven't been around too long I sure know that living in the moment is the key to a happy life. You're not always gonna make decisions that you'll be proud of. But that isn't the end of the world. We make mistakes and plenty of them. We do things we regret, things we wish we could take back. But in the end we can't and all we can do is move on. Some of us are better at that than others but we all cope in our own ways. Whether it be pushing those mistakes to the back of your mind and trying so hard to forget about it. Like me. or face up to th fact that you've done something wrong and move on. But that's not how my life works so thats not how this piece is gonna go. I've spent the majority of my life running. Runnning from all the mistakes I've made. Believe it or not I ran. I wanted nothing to do with the mistakes I made. But some where along the way something changed. Something imporant. I wish that I knew what but even I don't know what that change was. Boy, do I wish I knew unfortunately I don't. I've learned running gets you no where, no matter how fast or how far you go. You'll always end up in the same place. It's a fact of life that many of us neve face up to. I guess if I had to take a guess at this change I would probaly guess the time when I began to feel again. The time when my full burden was released upon me and I cracked under the weight. The burden wsa simply too much for me to bare. And I started crying myself to sleep over what my life had become. I couldn't take it. It was just too much. Crying helped to the extent that it lessened my burden for a mere moment in time. After a while it was impossible to go on with a nice fake smile on my face. It just didn't work. I couldn't hide behind the mask of fake well being any longer. So I didn't. I just stopped and embraced the life I had. The life I couldn't fight against. It was was just too strong, too sure that I could make it through my rough patch. It kept pushing me forward despite my protests and my begging. It just kept going even if it had to carry me to get where I was going. And despite evreything I did it was right. I made it through with plenty of scratchs and bruises but not completely whole. It could only help me so much the rest I had to do by myself. Life wasn't made simple or easy. It has many twists and turns and plenty of bumops that are unavoidable. Life's too short to dwell on the things we can't control, can't change. It's too short to spend a lot of time on the stupid things. Now here's my advice to you: take the little moments and them plenty big. Make them moments you would gladly relive. Time goes by dast so embrace the time you have when you have it. because you'll never get it back.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Inspirational Beyond My Wildest Dreams

This is a video of two sisters with CF (cystic fiberiosis) who were told from when they were little that they would never sing and they beat the odds of that by a lot. I'm not sure how many of you are watching america's got talent this season but I know from now on I sure am. How could i resist to watch these two amazing girls presue their dreams and beating the odds set for them. How amazing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7s7CtPGeEbo&feature=player_embedded

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Something Definitly Worth Reading

The poem I'm about to present is my favorite and touchs me all the time. Well I hope you life it!

I had closed the door upon my heart
wouldn't let anyone in,
I had trusted and loved only to be hurt
but, that would never happen again

I had locked the door and tossed the key as far
as far and as hard as I could,
love would never enter there again
my heart was closed for good.

Then you came into my life
and made me change my mind
just when I thought that tiny key
was impossible to fine

That's when you held out your hand
and proved to me I was wrong
Inside your palm was the key to my heart...
You had it all along


I've always loved this poem since the minute I read it. Just so you know I didn't write it. I somehow acquired it during a contest I was in charge of and totally fell in love with it. I keep it by my bed so I can always look at it. So I can always keep it close to my heart. So I know hope never disappears completely. It only gets lost or confused but it never dies. Hold onto you key and keep it close.

Poetry #2

Well I liked poetry so much that I decided I'd continue writing a couple pieces a month but nothing tyed to an exact schduele because i've learned that is just too much work but I'll try my best! So here are this week's poems:

Enjoy
Enjoy life's never ending happiness
Enjoy the blessings we are given
Enjoy our unfortunate sorrows
Enjoy the time we have
Enjoy the people you hold dear
Ejoy the moments and memories we'll never forget
Enjoy what you hate the most
Enjoy the happiness of others
Enjoy the moments while you have them
Enjoy life's simple pleasures



My Reflection

It was as if it was overnight
I woke up and didn't regonize
the face looking back at me.

Choclate brown eyes
Crazy Curly dark brown hair
Were still there
But that was pretty much it
I liked it
But I hated it

I wanted to look in the mirror
And see what I wanted to be
Not what nature had given me

I wanted to see a person
I couldn't be.
A person I would never be.

One day I looked at ny reflection again\
And decided
If this is gonna be who I am then
I guess I like it

Maybe

I wrote this piece a couple of weeks back so it's not really written in a present tense just wanted to clarify
My first week of summer has been offically awful! And to think I thought this was gonna be the summer of my life. Ya right! Looks like I was wrong again like I've seemed to be quite often lately. I've spent hours sitting in front of the tv or computer ad I'm just totally sick of it. It's so boring. ButI don't feel like calling people to make plans because I've begun to feel as though maybe nobody really enjoys having me around. Maybe they just put up with me. And maybe summer is their chance to get rid of me. I feel like if nobody's gonna make the effort to call me to hang out then why even bother because clearly they just don't care enough aren't willing to waste one stinkin minute with me when they don't have to. Yes maybe I'm over reacting. Who knows? I seem to do that quite a bit. Who cares? I just kinda feel defeated by my own sorrows. My own worries. But who cares I'm just some lonely girl who writes on this stupid blog to make herself feel better. As if it could patch up and heal all my battle wounds. As if.

Monday, July 12, 2010

What I Wish I Knew

I wish I knew that there is a bad side to everyone. I wish I knew that trying hard gets you far. And that good intentions pave the road to hell. But in the time I've had I've learned that good intentions are not enough. You have to mean what you say and say what you mean. When you lie your not helping anyone even if your lying to protect someone. Truthfully your just hurting them. I wish I knew that even a good day can turn bad in an instant. But I know now. And sometimes it makes me look over my shoulder after a good day making the day a little bitter sweet. I wish I knew time is a blessing. A gift that we sometimes don't take a second glance at. We sometimes forget about and take for granted. A lot of people would pay good money for the gift of time. The gift we often find ourselves wasting. The gift we can't live without. What teenagers today don't realize is that being bored is a luxury. A luxury we take for granted. If your bored do something about it clean your room, read a book! No matter how unappealing those things sound they'll help you and can end up being fun. If you think cleaning your room is boring turn on your stereo, flip on your ipod. Put music on it definitly helps and on top of that I reccomend it. That counts for something right? But I think your starting to get my message. That one moment is all you have. Enjoy it and live it. If I could have so many moments back I would. But in life we get no redos. No do overs. So all we can hope for is a "better luck next time" sorta thing. We'll have the knowledge when that next time moment desends upon us. So to all of you reading good luck next time!

I Just Want You to Know.....

How much you hurt me.How much I wish I could change time. How much I wish she never existed. How much I still hate you. How much I miss you. How hard it's become for me. That you helped make me who I am today and you'll always be in my heart no matter what happens between us. And finally I'll never forget you. So many people have touched me and most of these people are as distant to me as japan is to new england. But none the less they touched me just as much as my close friends have. Your social status, feelings towards me, and everything in between don't matter to me. But all the people I've come across on my never ending path of life have all touched my heart and helped mold me. Whether their influence be positive or negative I'm grateful for them. Because without them I wouldn't be who I am today. Who knows if you'd even be reading this. The people who I hate have touched me more than they will ever know. They've shown me the person I don't want to be. The person I'll never let myself be. Sometimes I feel like people think I've got my life figured out. What I want to do. Where I'm going. Who I'm gonna be. But like any teenager I don't. I just play the never ending game of life day by day. Taking on whatever life throws at me and dealing with it. Yes I'm not perfect so I tend to stumble from time to time. Make mistakes. Believe it or not there's so much about my life I regret. Parts of my life I never want to relive. Those are the moments I bury deep in my backyard. The moments I'll find myself digging up someday because their pain will no longer hurt me. I just want you to know that I know that sometimes all you can do is your best and from now on I'm excepting that. I'm excepting that from everybody that's all I can expect. Thank you for being there when I needed you and for making your own mistakes.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Sometimes

Sometimes things don't always go as planned. Sometimes you just can't understand. And sometimes it's too late. Too late to redeem yourself. Too late to change the past. Too late for second chances. Too late to fix what you messed up. Sometimes you have to except faliure and move on because that's all you can do. Faliure is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength because it shows that your willing to risk falling. And anybody who is willing to risk falling gains the most respect in my eyes each and everyday. They prove to me that standing tall and strong as themselves is more important to them than stupid things like what others think, their reputation and so much more than that. I've learned quite recently that some people would much rather judge without knowing and then passing them off not even waiting to see what they're missing. People go through life and they're presented with so many opprotunity's endless amounts. And many we find ourselves passing up. But sometimes we come across one or two that we accept whether it be because we like what we're seeing or because we care enough to dig a little deeper. And other times we find ourselves letting go of the opprotunites we had previously chosen for ourselves. We have so many choices and decisions we often find that much of ourselves is slipping through the cracks in the process. So that when we see something we like better than the first thing we let the first thing slam in our faces loosing that opprotunity. And when we realize we really don't want the second thing it's already too late. We've let the first thing slip through the cracks. In life we make one choice. There are no compromises or maybes. We set out on a path where everything in the present is your only choice and everything in the path is too late to retrive. I wish I could stress to you the importance of one decision. But it would be no use considering we all make that mistake once in our life whether it be now or later. It will happen and we just have to except it. That's the only way out

You Need to Know

that you don't always get your way. That your not always right. And finally that you can't just run away from your problems. Someday they're gonna catch you. You can't just expect your problems to disapper because you ran away. Because unfortunately your problems have legs too. As werid as it sounds and they will chase you trust me. Been there,done that. And I learned that facing your problems gets you a whole lot further than running ever will. Sometimes you don't know everything. You can think that all you want but that will never make it true. Life doesn't always go as planned. Unfortunatley it has a mind of it's own. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason. And that fate decides where you'll go in life. And that only God knows the true reason why. Why things happen the way they do. Why people end up the way they do. And why things don't always go our way. I've learned through many hard times that when the wind blows, turning your back to it is a sign of weakness and when a volcano erupts and you stand strong. You die a hero for being brave enough to put yourself out for being fearless ( or an idiot that can be debated). But either way I'd want to die a hero more than die someone with far too many holes in their life that they could never repair.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

I Miss You

There's so many people in my life that I miss dayly. They're the people I never stop thinking about. The people I want back in my life. The people that never die in my eyes. The people I want back in my life. The people that I shed the most tears over. I miss my two best friends who understood me completely. They never ceased to amaze me. But unfortunately they're long gone and my window of oppritunity has long closed. But my tears shed over them were not wasted ones. Because on my part it showed my ability to care for another. But what they did to me showed the true cruelty of man. How heartless and souless we can be from time to time or even for a prolonged period of time. Now that is something I do not miss at all. But some how I miss my two best friends that I knew before all of this. The two easy-going girls I used to walk to every arts class with. The two girls that I missed terribly after arts period was over. The same two girls that changed me and ruined me forever. The two girls that I'll never look at the same way again. The girs that I knew are definitly lost forever. Because after the day they made the choice to run away from their problems they took their truly evil forms. I'll never forget the moment that I realized they weren't what I needed anymore not what I wanted. I'll indeed miss the people they were but it's time that I except the people they are now. I mean I'm still learning the concept of forgive and forget. Truthfully I'm better at forgetting than I am at forgiving. Yes I'm a good grudge holder. If I find a reason to hate you, you better run for cover because because it ain't gonna be a pretty picture. Trust me, not pretty. I'm not perfect and I feel like sometimes people think I am. That people think I've got life figured out. That I've got everything figured out and newsflash I don't! I miss th simple life I used to lead the life that didn't have problems beyond my best friend exculding me at recess. Now I'm beginning to see that complicated doesn't always work. Learning is not limited to books and classrooms. Learning is unlimited. We learn where ever we go with whatever we do. Being open to life in general opens your heart and mind to learning. So open your heart and your mind to the unknown parts of life.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Oppsy!

SMACK!
That was all it took for me to snap back to reality. My face stinging in hurt, in rage, in confusion. Who knew what my fate would lead to? The betrayl of the person I'd always trusted. Maybe I should've seen it coming considering her attutiude towards me all year long has been awful and almost makes me want to not've ever met her. This whole entire year I've never seen her be a good friend once to me. Never not once. To me there's a devil hidden behind those innocent eyes. The girl I wisj I'd known was there all along. So that somehow I would've been prepared. So that somehow I would've seen it coming. Writing this I don't even think I should forgive her. It only built up to this and somehow I know that this time maybe I just shouldn't forgive her. I give her so many chances already. Could this really be my last straw? Does she really deserve a millionth chance? Is it definitly a chance worth giving? I guess you could say I have a soft heart. I forgive people too easily sometimes and they don't always deserve it. It isn't fair to me because in the end it just deepens my never healing wound. The wound that always stands as a constant reminder to me that life indeed hurts sometimes. I've learned that life has it all planned out for us. It seeks us out and makes us look in the mirror. Makes us see what we protected ourselves from. What we didn't see. What we hope to never see again. My final words to my diligant readers are as follows many people say don't judge a book by it's cover but even open books tell lies; are unclear or puzzling and even they can betray you

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Poetry

I've recently taken a brief liking to poetry and wrote a few pieces and yes they are definitly not typical poetry so please enjoy!

Poem #1: How

How do you expect me to understand
when you won't even let me in?

How do you know who I am
when your never there to talk to?

How can you be so cruel
when I keep giving you chances?

How can you expect me to there forever
when your never there for me?

How do you know next time you need me
I'll even be there?

How can you live with yourself knowing how
you just ruined someone's day?

How do you know there will even be
a next time?

How don't you know that some day
I'll run out of chances and be
done waiting?

How do you know? How can you know?



Poem # 2: Why

Why do tears come to my eyes
when I think about what you do?

Why do you cause me so much
pain?

Why must you do what you do?
Is it really nessary?

Why can't I ever speak?

Why am I never good enough for you?
Never important enough?

Why must you shut me out
when your all I really need?

Why do you keep going
even when I scream stop?

Why do you never seem to understand?

Why will you never see how much your actions will eventually cost you?

A Friendship

A Listener

A Fighter



Poem # 3: Now

Now lines are way past drawn

Now I wish I could do it all over again

Now I wish you didn't hate me

Now it's too late

Now I wish it wasn't

Now I wasnt to thank you for everything

For being there all those years

And now for showing me what I'm not missing

Now I want you to know

That who you once were is not who you are now

And when I look in the mirror

I keep looking at the person you created

The person that grew despite the times

you put her in the dark



So that's it I wrote those for the best friend that I thought I knew but was too stupid to realize that the girl standing in front of me wasn't the same one standing there 3 years ago they may share the same body but they're definitly not the same person.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

NewsFlash!

I'm not perfect and no duh I haven't got life figured out. I'm not good at the whole forgive and forget thing. I'm wayy better at forgetting than I am at forgiving. I don't think I'm like the coolest person in the world and maybe my personaitly comes off like that sometimes. But really I just don't care what people think about me. If can't except me for who I am then I'm not gonna give a damn about you. So understand this don't like me than don't bother hanging around with me and if you choose to except me don't treat me like a rat off the street. I can't change where I come from who my family is what decisions my parents make for me. So if your gonna give me crap about that then you're not a true friend. I can only change what I have control over and that doesn't mean I'm gonna change for you because I don't live up to who you want me to be. I'll be who ever I want to be. Don't like who I've chosen to be then just leave me alone because unfortunately not everything's about you all the time.

Monday, May 31, 2010

It Finally Hurts

It hurts to be me. It hurts to feel like you've lost who you are. It hurts to be lost and scared. It hurts to feel like everything you've ever had or wanted is gone now. Poof it disappered into thin air. That's how I'm really feelinglike I've lost everything. But when I look around me I have everything. But when I look again it's gone. When I came home from swimming today I wanted to cry and cry. Because I hate who I've become. I don't like her. I wish she never existed. I wish I could've been smart and taken the easy way out to do what I was born to do. But I gave it all up and took the stupid way out. And now I have to live with it whether I like it or not. I finally feel the pain for everything I've ever done. I'm getting what I deserved big time. I think I defiently desereve it. I've let myself waste away for too long and I'm done. I understand now you have to fight for what you want. I don't know how to be myself anymore. I feel like every part of me is gone. I feel like I don't deserve anything anymore. Like I'm worthless. Everyday at least once my heart sinks to my knees and I just want to break down and cry. I don't want to talk. I want to be alone. Alone with my thoughts, my books, my writing. Alone is every sense of the word. But I guess I'm too loved for people to give up on me that quickly. They know that although I'm broken and battered I'm still the same girl they know I just need a little bit more work to put back together again.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

So Lost

Some mornings I wake up and I know excatly what I want to do and who I want to be. While others I am just so lost, confused and unsure. I hate those mornings. I then readily anticipate the bad day I know could possibly happen. To me these times tell me that I've hit another fork in the road of life. It may be just a minor one but occasionally it ends up being a major one. In my life I'm stuck at a major one. I thought I had made my final decision but apparently not because instead of going on my way I got lost. Really lost. Right now I know that I might spend a good amount of my time lost before finding the road I'm meant to take this time around. There's still lessons I'm meant to learn first. I'm learning how to be who I always was but never could be. And unfortunately for me I have not yet mastered that. It's something that may take time to learn and a good amount of time. I now realize just how much I'm capable of. I'm pretty torn. I want to be who I was so that I can suddenly piece myself back together. I want to be that person, that couldn't be broken. That couldn't feel pain. I remeber that day during december vacation after sending that one single text message that changed me forever. That was one of the best and worst moment of my life. Because that moment I finally felt all the emotions I had earlier held back. Those emotions that were brewing inside me waiting for just the right moment to strike. Who knew the one moment I decided to fight against a higher power was the moment that changed my life forever. I didn't know where I wanted to go anymore, but I knew I was fighter. Right now I'm going through one of the biggest struggles of my life. Being protestant or catholic. What I want to do when I grow up be logical and go to college for a stable job or pursue performing arts possibly giving up my soccer career with that. I'm being presented with five or more different paths and being forced to choose. I can't just walk away and leave it all behind because I'm surrounded with only choices and more choices. If I walk away I have to have a road to follow. There is no inbetween. It's a yes or a now. There is no maybe. And there never will be.

Blast From the Past

I was going through my stuff the other day and found this little speech that I wrote to one of my friends. Now let me give you a little background on these. So typically when I'm mad or upset I write these to get some of my feelings out. And these little speeches hold so many feelings therefore they don't hold back. I write whatever my heart wants to say so here it is:
I am sick of taking
other people's crap. And I
can tell by all of your actions
just how much you actually
care what I think or
what you're doing to me
Everyday I learn to hate you
more and more. Does it really
hurt to let me talk just this
once. Why does it have to be all
about you? The last time I
checked I was important too!
I expected way better of you
than what I've seen for a while
So far your the worst friend I've
EVER had and you don't give a damn
about what you're putting me
through you could pretty much
careless! For some reasons
I don't understand why I
keep giving you chances considering
you just waste them! I don't
understand why I'm still friends
with a self-center bitch like you!

So yes there are some strong words in there. After reading this (even though I know I wrote it) I felt bad for that girl that, I kneew had to go through all that. I remeber that time clearly. It was an awful time for me. And one of the reason I started to write this blog was to get all that anger out in my writing. I needed a filter that almost helped releave my burden, take some of the weight off my shoulders. Right now I'm so grateful for it. It's allowed me to be who I truly am without sacrificing anything on my part.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Again & Again

Sometimes I lay awake at night and think why me? Why is it always me? Why am I always stuck witht the girls that don't know how to be happy? Why I am I never rewarded for the good things I do? And finally why do I always seem to realize things a little too late? All these questions are stupid and mindless. They can never be answered, but they can be pondered. Thought about until your mind explodes. Truthfully I do this all the time -ponder the questions that cannot be answered- and it is kind of a waste of time. Because although thoughts are important they won't get you very far. They'll drive you insane for sure. (If they haven't already). Sometimes I feel as though my life is a song. No matter how many times you listen to it, it's always the same. Which relates to everyone really; inside we'll always be the same person no matter what. But what we exibit on the outside makes others believe we've changed. For a long time, my life was an act. I didn't know how much was truth and how much was lie. And indeed I wasn't proud of it. I felt like I was lying to myself more than anybody. At that point I felt as though I owed it to myself to be who I was. And eventually I was done pretending. And became the person that I deserved to be. It was a hard road and it still is. It has tons of bumps because I've faced the fact that the road of life isn't perfect; much liken our world. Trust me it does get better but only in time. And when life repeats for you know that, that isn't nessairly a bad sign, it just means that your life may need some improvement. And that isn't a bad thing it just means that you have a chance to make yourself even better than you already are. Embrace life it isn't a punishment. It's a never ending journey .

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Never

Never wil I be that sam giggly untouched girl I once was. The girl that some people thought I still was.I'm not fool. I see right through games and foolish acts. And I know who I can truly trust. Maybe some people would surprise you. Maybe not. But they sure do surprise me sometimes. Shock me at others. Never will I treat another soul the way some treat me. Although I do have prelogged ideas of some people but I always treat others the way I would want others to treat me. Even if they don't treat me all that nicely. The Golden Rule. That's what some people say they like about me. I'm not judgemental I wait until I truly know a person to judge them or make a final idea of them. I'm defiently not proud of some of the things I've done. Some of the ways I've acted. Even some of the things I've said. But truth be told I'm brutally honest. I HATE lying. It makes me sick. And when people say just act it, like you do on stage. But I just can't. I like to leave that on the stage because that's where it belongs. Where it can hurt no one. But I have to be truthful I have acted some parts of my life to benefit me. To shield everything that goes on inside. To shield everything that I have no one to tell. The endless pages of this blog is made up of many things, I've never told anybody. So you guys as my readers now are all my secret-keepers. And I hope you can see eye to eye with me now. Understand my battles and who I am. I want more than ever to lead a normal life and be respected by the people that obviously have no idea what respect is. And for people to stop calling me Simonne. We don't even look alike! But all and all I love my life for what it is. And what it could be. I want to see where life takes me and just hope that I turn out all right. Sometimes life doesn't always go as planned and I've learned that. I miss the person I was but at the same time I don't. Because I'm learning to embrace who I am and who I want to be. I can't do much dwelling on the past it won't do you much good because you can't change it and you must live with the results or consquences so my advice to you is look to the past to find the answers for the future. The past is merely a window into the future even if we don't realize it at the time.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Alone

Now decisions have been made whether we realize it or not. Everybody keeps telling me how they want it like it was long ago but unfortunately that window of opportunity closed a good while a go. It closed when they shut me out. When they broke my heart. When they murdered a part of me. A part of myself that I wish I could still have. When I think back to what they did, I still shed a few tears. because I never really forgot and I never really forgave. I pushed it to the back of my thoughts like I do with all of my hurtful memories. I don't want to be a part of it anymore. I don't want to be a part of most things anymore. I want to be left alone to my tears and sorrow, left to my problems. I don't want to talk to many people and a lot of people don't know me well. They think they do or they wish they did but that just isn't enough. I just want everybody to understand sometimes I just need ti be left alone with my problems. I don't like people who think they know it all. They think they know everything when in reality they don't. I don't like tag alongs and I hate copycats in some situations. This whole blog started from an idea that sparked after reading a favorite book but now it's turned into so much more. It's now like my entire life written down. And from it I've realized that my passion is to write. That's my form of communication. Writing. I write alone and most of the time I much prefer to be alone. Maybe it's because of the first 9 years of my life I was typically alone. I was really quiet. Now every body's amazed at how much I talk but I had my time for talking and I don't feel like it anymore. I feel like being who I am again not who I've forced myself to be. The girl that always knew the right thing to say. The girl that thought she could do anything, be anybody. The girl that thought friends lasted forever. But boy was she wrong. It wasn't because she pushed them away but because they pushed first and she pushed back. And that caused a crack way too deep to filled again. At this point I've been hurt many times and I don't trust many people because in the end they always come back to bite.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Unsure of My Next Road

For once in my life I don't know what I'm gonna do next. I've chosen my road but I've forgotten how to walk. It's one of those things that is easier said then done. I love my friends ALL my friends but that doesn't I'm always going to take your side. But I'm done taking sides I can't do it anymore it hurts me because it makes me feel like I favor one over the other. Some friendships are meant to last forever and others aren't that just how it works. God has figured out for but it's up to us to figure out what that is. At this point I don't know what I'm going to do. I thought I was on one side but then I realized that I'd be ashamed to be a part of that. I'm really sorry to anyone that I've hurt. Because most of you don't desreve it. There's some things about life I understand completely and others that are a total blur. I don't know everything. And I need help. I need someone to guide me. Sitting hear at my computer writing this I have tears welling up in eyes. Because I know I'll miss the people behind making this choice. I never intended to hurt to any of you and I don't intend to either. Although I'm kinda of violent. I'm still a good person I don't like to see people get hurt. True somethings are unavoidable but that doesn't make up for anything. My life is way more complicated than I anticipated. I thought by spiltting myself up to share with everybody would be a healthy decision but in turn I left a part of myself with each person I'm met and befriended. And some of those pieces I'm never get back. So in turn I'm stuck. I'm being pulled in so many different directions. And tonight I finally decided what I have to do to make it stop. I have my choose my third option. The option I never thought I do. Let Go. Let go of the bar that I still hang from and fall. The worst that can happen is I'll get bruised a little bit. But we all must risk a fall at least once in our life. We all need that wake up call. I knew I couldn't hang there forever I knew that it would be taken away and I would have to get down. But I never knew that I would choose to jump. I never knew the choices that I would make. I never knew who I was going to be until now. I'm someone who works hard for what she wants. Who is as stubborn as a bull. I never give up. So admitting to failure is a hard thing for me. I'm someone who keeps everything inside until I blow my top. And I don't like that but it's one of things I just except because it's harder for me to tell people what's wrong. Because some people will never understand. I'll miss everything I'm leaving behind but I know I won't look back. It's not something I want to go back to truthfully. It's something that was meant to be left behind. I know life isn't perfect but that's not what I'm achieve. I don't perfection. I'm not in search of perfect friends. I'm in search of friends who aren't afraid to fall. Who understand that admitting to something isn't like going to jail. I'd be happier if you just admitted what you said or did was wrong and move on. I'm really sorry to any of you are reading this. And you may or may not be left behind. But I'm sorry somethings need to be done and theres no way around it. I don't wish to hurt anyone doing what I'm doing. But I can't pretend anymore. Pretend as if nothings wrong. Pretend as if I'm alright. Pretend like I'm someone different to myself and to others. Pretend like nothing ever happened when it did. I can't stand it. I just want peace for myself and for others. And if becoming a loner is what it takes to achieve that I'll do it. I'll do anything to get out this. I can't just plow through life anymore like nothing hurts, when it really does. I'm good at hiding my feelings I've been doing it for almost 5 years since I was in 4th grade. I remeber that time as clear as day the time. When I found out not all friendships are innocent and gentle. That not all friends are meant to last forever. But some are. I know which friends in my are for keeps and which ones need to be left behind. I knew I couldn't hold on forever and so now I'm finally letting go.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Try and Mess with Me

Seriously I've it my absoulte last straw. I'M DONE! I'm sooo sick of it. I can't even fathom how much I'm sick of it. I want to punch some specfic's face in. This soo ridcoulous and it's gotten sooo out of hand. That's it I go on with it no more. The more you push it the more chances you loose. And when you get to 0 what do you think happens? Your disposed of especially if you're way obviously beyond help. I can't do it anymore. People who mess with me DON'T get rewarded they get PUNISHED. And if you happen to get one of my less severe punishments you're lucky because unfortunately not everybody I've gotten rid of has been that lucky. I've run out of chances. There's not even one left the well is dry. You won't here if cross the line again I'll jump down your throat. Because it's wayyyy too late for that. I've given out chances into the negatives. And now you must pay the price. Not everything is free in this world but the best things are. And I learned that the minute I lost my first friend. I pushed her away because I was done there was nothing more for me there. She was one of the lucky few, she didn't get tortured or abused. I just made a nice thin cut and that was the end of that. It was simple and easy. But she can still be helped I never gave up on her. But I just cut off our friendship because I knew that it wouldn't work anymore. I've been lucky as a person to be who I am. I owe her that. Without her I wouldn't be half the person I was today. She was one of my few friends that helped mold who I am. So thank you to that friend where ever you are. I hope that you can one day see the light.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

I'm Done

I'm done acting. I'm done lying. I'm done being somebody I'm not. I"m done pretending. I'm done putting up with things. I'm done watching. I'm done being nice to everyone even when they don't deserve it. I'm done and nothing you say or do is gonna change a thing. I love my life even with all the crazy ups and downs. But I need people to respect my decisions. Begging isn't gonna help you now or later in life. I've made multiple decisions the past few weeks but it seems as though I can't stick to any of them but I'm open to change. I need to change. I know some people would say I'm great just the way I am. But some people know me for who I am and others know me for who I was trying to be. I wrote that pass tense because at certain point in my life I wanted to be a certain person and as we all know when you pretend to be someone for so long that's eventually who you'll become. And now that's not who I want to be. Truthfully I'm the only one who really knows who I am. But describing myself doesn't do me much justice. I'm really hard on myself and sometimes I guess people don't understand that. You wouldn't even be able to guess how much I beat myself up over making some stupid mistake. I take a lot of things seriously. I'm not a really big jokester. I have a hard head I'm extremely stubborn. I know of very few people that can convince me to go against what I want. I'm a fighter. I learned only quite recently that the best things in life are the ones worth fighting for. Fighting until you have nothing left to be fighting for. I'm determined and have a very set view for myself. Therefore if I fall below my own standards I kind of beat myself up about it. I've heard before that I set my standards too high and that I should lower them but I only recently realized why I set them so high. My standards are set high because I need something to keep me going and when you set them high you're always trying to get there to achieve that seemingly impossible goal. Because for me nothing is impossible everything is do able one way or another. But writing that I think about how much of a wimp I can be and I wimp out because I like set plans have everything just so. But I've learned not everything turns out just the way you planned it. One person once told me : you analize everything like your looking at it from above when you actually living it. Maybe there isn't always a reason for everything . And I know why I do that. I'm not big on facing up to reality. I like to pretend even for a little while that everything is perfect when it really isn't. I'm big on covering things up using my acting talent to mask my emotions as best as I can. But another reason I do it is because it's easier to assess a situation when your looking at because when your living it logicailty has nothing to with it anymore. And I like to be logical in my reason. I like excatness and that's probaly why I'm stronger in math and science because most things there have exact answers where as things in English and Social Studies don't always. Surprisingly I like school. I like to learn. People reading this must think I'm insane and yes I am but I like school because it lets me prove myself in a way the outside world doesn't always. It lets me prove myself like this very blog does. It lets me express myself safely in a comfortable way for me. Thank you so much for reading you have no idea how much it really means to me.

Rememberance

I remeber that time when I had lost all hope. I was dazed and confused. I no longer knew what I wanted. I was convinced I would never make it through the storm. But for one brief second in time I saw a sliver of light only to later realize it was only a figment of my imagination. And when I finally made it to the light house I brought the storm with me to that town. The storm has subsided for now but we all see it silently lurking in the distance waiting for the right moment to come rain one our parade. We all know what we have in store and we're ready for it. We're ready for whatever life throws at us. We're prepared. We're not afraid. We stand together or we might as well not stand at all. We finally all understand. Every puzzle piece has finally fallen into place after a long while. I've been really lucky to have gone through everything I went through and still make it out on top. I'm so grateful for everything that has happened to me good and bad. I no longer regret anything about my life. I've learned how to accept failures and losses. To learn from my mistakes and pick myself up when I stumble. I've learned that there may be I wish I did this instead but we have no time machines you can't go back in time to fix it. You've got to fix it or live with it in the time we live in. Life isn't always going to be black and white its wayyy more complex than that. I'd like to remeber everybody who's at one point helped me in my life. People that deserve some sort of gratitude even if they don't know what they did. I miss almost every moment of my life and when a minute passes it surprises me when a day passes I'm in shock when a month passes I'm still shocked. When a year passes I don't know what to do with myself. I guess some of us take fore guranted how fast time goes by and how each moment is precious. For anybody who's reading this take a moment whether it be a minute or an hour to remeber all the people that have made a difference in your life.

Letting Go and Moving On

Letting go can be harder than one can imagine it takes time and determination. But you can be determined to let go and it can end up not happening. Truthfully determination isn't the right word open minded, yes open-mined that is the correct word. You need to be open to letting go. You must be open to change. And just because you let go doesn't mean your guranted to move on. They come as a pair and unfortunately there is no way out of it. You can't let go without moving on. And you can't move on without letting go first. Ignoring that crucial rule could mean reliving what you already went through. I know that because I neglected that very important rule of life. I kept trying to tell myself what I should and shouldn't feel but that's not how it works. The heart wants what the heart wants and as humans there's nothing we can do to change that. I fall all the time. I make mistakes. I get embarrassed. But it's only healthy to let go of those moments and move on. They're not worth holding onto. True they are still memoires and they will someday re-surface but when we don't have to worry about them. And we shouldn't

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Love, Life and Everything in between

As all of my readers know I don't often write about love although I do talk about guys quite a bit, but I've never written about it unfortunately I don't really plan on it. These past two weeks have been a repeat in history for me. Did I do it right this time? Nope, I messed it up again but this time I don't regret it as much. I don't see it as a loss. But this week I've learned about 5 more life lessons that I'll probaly write about later. But the important thing that I've learned is how to see right past stupid acts that people believe are covering everything up. And seeing a direct pattern in my torment that led me on a straight path to the truth I knew was there all along. So for once I was right and it feels good but I can't share it with anyone sadly because they all would never believe me. And especially now after all that has happened they especially wouldn't believe me. But I've learned how to move on, something I had been trying so hard to accomplish before and finally did. It was exciting at first but soon led me to see what I had earlier not seen. The truth. This week I struggled tremendsly through history repetion and the way things played out this time around. I took that much needed step back to assess the situation. I learned to let go of things that really aren't worth it. I've fallein in love before not offically but I've felt it. I know how it feels to have your heart ripped out and stomped on. I know more than you give me credit for. I've been bullied, been treated like dirt, and had bad days. Do I always come out on top? No! I've had to work REALLY hard to be where I'm at. I haven't just had everything handed to me on a golden platter. Money doesn't buy everything. It doesn't buy grades, athletic skills, acting and singing talent. Those are things you must work at. True some come easier than others but not always. If you want something you work for it. I apply that to everything I do. This year is gonna be different for me I'm out to prove myself go out with a bang. I owe myself that much to finally be somebody. I've lastly learned on numerous occasions who I am as a person. I'm really stubborn and always like to be right but I'm determined to make a difference in my life and other people's lives

Monday, April 12, 2010

Just some fun pics for once !













These are just a few of my hand picked backstage play photos of Your A Good Man Charlie Brown I hope you guys enjoy them they're hiliraous!!! I had tons of fun in this production and so did most of the cast and all of my friends. It was long hours but it all payed off in the end!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Life's Million Roads

Have you ever noticed how sometimes not always history is doomed to repeat itself. Certain situations are unavoidable and when you avoid them anyway then this is one of the times when history is doomed to repeat itself. Some things in life are amazing and miriaclous unbelieveable maybe. I have experienced things like that in my life whether it be the learning of life lessons or influential people in my life. I wish upon shooting stars wishing for certain miracles to happen when you never choose what mircales happen and which ones don't. Fate chooses for you. Although you never know when a miracle hits you for sure you'll realize later that is was a miracle because of it's lasting effect. Miracles are just one of life's many roads. The rest being the choices you make along the way to where ever we go after our passing. Each day is full of life changing events on the way miracles we never thought possible. This is why I try to encourage people to make the choices they see fit since you can never take part in another person's life without their consent. I have to admit I never make the best choices but I think about every angle and encourage people to do what they see fit whether it be good choices, bad choices, or somewhere in between either way we follow a path that we may hate at times but totally end up loving it. But what everybody needs to know is that when history repeats itself the outcome isn't always constant. It's open to change. And this I learned only last night with my brush with a repeat of history. The reason it changes is because everybody's different and we change over the course of time. Being molded into the adults we're gonna be later in life. Unfortunately having the free will that God gave us we all make stupid decisions but the important thing about those is knowing how to fix them or improve them for the next time. If you can't learn from your mistakes how do you expect to be successful later in life? You can't. Stubborness has nothing to do with it and I would know considering I'm one of the most stubborn people you will ever meet. But obviously I've learned A LOT about life if I could write 36 blog posts about what I have learned. The good thing is we never stop learning everyday we learn little things without even realizing it. Life is worth living however long your here. You only get one (as far as we know) and we need to live in a way we'd be proud of.

Caring Comes from the Heart

Caring is defiently more intimate than some people think it to be. So you could basically call caring love. When you care about someone your willing to do anything for them even risk your own life for them. I care about many people my friends and my family. My famous pharse is you have to love someone enough to let them go. If any of my friends died I'd be crying for a days and I'd miss a week of school (breaking my perfect attendence). They're my life, my inspiration and my will to keep going. When you care about someone you feel guitly when you hurt (emotinally) them. You suck it up and apologize no matter how hard that is for you to do.You can't stand the idea of them being mad at you. Believe it or not apologizing helps way more than most people think because it shows your commitment to them and that they're willing to go the distance for them because you care. Although as we all know it doesn't fix everything because fixing something takes time and work. When you care about someone you want to be brutally honest because in the long run they'll be more happy that you told them the truth. That is especially important in relationships. Truthfulness. I always try my best to be truthful with my friends and when I'm not I often feel guilty. I feel really bad overall. Courage to do the right thing for your friends is also needed. Don't let them make stupid mistakes that they'll later regret. I'm glad I have friends like that. Friends that keep pushing me to do what I need to do so I don't regret it later. They support me even if they don't always agree with what I'm doing. They care about me enough to tell me when I simply need to shut the heck up. Which sometimes I need. A little bit of tough love comes with caring too. Being nice and kind but being serious when it gets down to bussines. All and all that pretty much sums caring up. But remeber this list is always being added to so figure out some things of your own to add to the list.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Rocky Relationships

Have you ever had a rocky relationship? Whether it be with a friend or another person. Either way you have come to a point in time where you want out. And that is that. But for some people it is just so hard to let go of what you have known and loved. You know that the longer you wait the harder it will be for you especially but you know that, that person is not worthy of you. I can relate considering that I have been through a couple of these kinds of relationships. It is unbeliveable how cruel and uncaring some people can be even if they were people you considered to be close friends. I learnd a lot about life one way or another through the experiences I have been through. Learning that some people don't think twice about using you and that even friends you trusted can do the most hurtfult things that brew a storm that you knew was coming. Which leads to really heated fights. Although sometimes these can result in the ending of a friendship. This isn't always a bad thing as I have often experiecned but learn that some people change after you show them what was wrong that kept them blind. For example one friend I knew from other things let me be part of their group. Which I thought was wonderful at the time becase I was in a world that was extremly lonely and had very few people to turn to. By the middle of the school year I was offically hanging out with them and loving it until one seemingly harmless action caused the biggest blowout I had ever seen in my short life. I took the side that ended up changing my life and letting me broaden my horizion. This girl helped me through a lot of things that none of my other friends had even thought twice about about caring about. She listened intently but talked as much as I did. She relates and confides in me. I love her to death for pulling down the barrier the other girls at put up at her own expense. I am still friends with two girls from that group and now the girl who started all this changed a lot in my eyes she's polite and just natrual with her friends being nice to anyone that who is nice to her in return. As many people have said we were all young and stupid back then no one mature enough to handle it in a civilized manor. When I think back to events such as these I am kind of embarrassed but except what I earned from it and indulge what I learned from it. I'll never forget how it felt to feel alone to feel as though all your friends that you trusted and loved betrayed you, your trust and your respect. I've felt that way once and not that long ago. I'm the kind of person who always trys to stay in control and don't often tell people when something is wrong because of fear. Fear of who knows what! (well I know of course). but fear of life repeating itself like it has so many times before. I don't like to fight but if that's what I need to do to fix things I'll do it. Usually though my friends know my boundarires and know when and how not to cross them. That's probaly what I admire most about my friends. I'm sorry to say but now I see that soon I don't know when or hiw but a recent history is quite doomed to repeat itself against many people's better judgement.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

21 Quotes to Guide Me

This is a list of 21 quotes that mean the most to me and stand for who I am. They inspire me in my everyday life and in my everyday activites. I have a certain way I guide my life. Do I disapoint myself sometimes? Of course but I always promise to do better after I've disapointed myself. I always pick myself up after I fall. So here they are and I hope they brighten your life like they've brightened mine:
1. "We weren't sister's by birth but I knew from the start God put us together to be sisters at heart" -This is a quote I was told by one of my friends years ago and it's special to me because it reminds me of friendships I've lost and ones I've found.
2. "Friends that matter don't car and friends that care don't matter"- From the moment I heard this quote it's been one of my favorites, it says a lot to me. It basically means that friends that you care about shouldn't care about things on the outside and it they do they're not good friends
3. "One who does not think for themselves does not think at all"(Oscar Wilde)- You need to be able to think for yourself and make your own decisions regarding everything. You need to be your own person not anybody else's
4. "It's never too late to be who you might've been"(George Elliot)- Everybody says I wish I did this or I wish I did that but in truth you can it's never too late and taking the first step is all it take
5."Together forever never apart maybe in distance but never in heart"- Friends and Family alike never stray a mile in your heart they're just as close even if your a contient away. Our heart is where we keep everything near and dear, close so it's never faraway
6."Life's truest happiness comes from the friendships we make along the way"- My friends are the people in my life that make me happy that let me laugh and have a great time. They make me the person I am, they make me fight for what I overally stand for in my everyday life.
7. "Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets"(Arthur Miller)-We can never redo life when time passes it's over and unfortunately you never get it back. We keep these moments close to us that way we can learn from them and hope that we come out even better than before.
8. "Life is like a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but you can only spend it once"(Lillian Pickson)- One time is all you have you need to live it to be the best and the most successful. You're in control of your life and you should never forget that.
9. "Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony"(Mahatama Gandhi)- Everybody has different interpretations of happiness and this is probaly closet to mine. I think everything needs to be connected one way or another.
10."Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing it was here first"(Mark Twain)- You can't expect anything out of life because it's your job to make something out of life not sit around and wait which could eventally make you become a hobo
11. "Who bravely dares must somtimes risk a fall"(Tobias George Smollett)- I've met plenty of confident people, people who are willing to conquer the world if that's what needs to be done but unfortunately everyone has to fall once in a while you can't win every fight.
12." Imagination is more important that knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world"(Albert Einstein)- Beinf book-smart is great don't get me wrong but how can you get anywhere in the world if you can't dream and dream big. I set high standards and I have high hopes and dreams, that doesn't come from book-smarts it comes from my wild imagination
13. "Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go"(T.S. Elliot)- Most little kids I know like to push their limits and this technique is actually pretty smart because you can't know how far you can go if you've never tested your limits.
14. "Wisdom is knowing what to do next, skill is knowing how to do it and virtue is doing it"(David Starr Jordan)- Not everybody knows how to act in all situations but wisdom, skill and virtue help a lot. They often guide you more than you know in your daily decisions.
15. "First say to yourself what you would be and then do what you have to do"(Epictetus)- Knowing what you need to do is the first step to achieveing any goal. The second step is doing it.
16. "We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone"(Loretta Scott)- I've met a lot of people who do the little things that can help towards the greater picture. What you do today can help change tomorrow.
17. "Expecting life to treat you well because your a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegatarian"(Shari R. Barr)- You can never expect things out of life because then you'll often turn up empty handed. I learned my lesson a long time ago when my well turned up dry.
18. "One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. But to sacrifice what you are and to live without belief that is a fate more terrible than dying"(Joan of Arc)-People openly ruin their lives everyday with no attempt to fix it. We must hold hope and belief in order to thrive in life.
19. "If you love something let it go. If it comes back it's yours. If it doesn't it never really was in the first place" - You know when someone loves you they would do anything for you even let you go if that's what it would take.
20. "Love doesn't make the world fo round. Love is what makes the ride worth while"(Franklin P. Jones)-Your in charge of your life you make the globe spin but things like love and adoration make your life more enjoyable
21. "The really happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery when on a detour"- If you can make the best out of the worst situation you truly know how to live and be happy.
Those are all 21 of them! They make me think harder about the meaning of life and help push me to keep going I really hope they help you people reading too!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Finding Peace

The place or feeling we all know as peace can sometimes be hard to find. The way I see peace is your inner sense of peace and happiness, where the world's worries simply melt away. Peace defiently doesn't come easy it takes time to find and achieve like any worth while thing.Without peace and happiness my life would fall apart. I personally need that sense of secruity and the quiet serene place used for thinking. Thinking about lifes worries can actually take you farther than you think. You can take the much needed time to look at it from many different angles. I find this helps me apporoach situations better by having more in take on them. This also helps me to be a better person because I have more time to get to know myself and know who I am. Many people automatically assume my life has been easy but in reality it hasn't. I've been uprooted so many times that my wide variety of friends stretchs me in many different directions. But unlike some people I know which direction to go in different times. Because for me every direction allows me to have yet another experience. To me thats the only real way you learn from life experiences. I haven't had as much experience as some people but that doesn't mean my experience isn't helpful or worth testing out. I've seen so many things over th course of my life and I think I deserce just a little credit for everything I do. I put up with everything you could ever imagine and more. The only way I can possibly balance it all is through my thoughts. I go head and assess each situation often spacing out a lot because I need that extra focus to get more depth on my thoughts. I find peace by being prepared and know how I feel about everything. I do wish I had more time for meditation because surprisingly it really does help. It helps clear your mind to make room for thoughts and solutions. But my mind unfortunately is instead running wild with confusion which probaly doesn't surprise you. All my friends always joke I'm confused half the time and other half nobody can understand what I'm saying. Which is true but really hiliraous. Make more time for things that can ultimately help you out greatly in the long run because you never know what life might throw at you.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

My Life Story

From what I know outside of my house I was a quiet child nobody really heard much out of me except my best friend Amanda. She was always there she knew me for who I was even back then. I was crushed when I had to leave her. I lost touch with her and was so upset because no one I met could compare to her except one person She was everything to me my sister my best friend my mentor and the person I looked up to. I was crushed when I was taken away (metaphorically) from her. I had other friends I could trust but I never thought I would ever get over it. But truthfully today looking back I owe her a lot because I wouldn't be half the person I am today without her. I moved on slowly coming about a new best friend she isn't half the person my old was but she's special to me for different reasons. She makes me laugh, she teases me (although sometimes I don't always like it), she makes me take risks I wouldn't normally take. We balance each other out she's the free bird and I'm the caged one. She can be quite moody sometimes but when she's happy she brighten everyday. I made lots of different friends especially in middle school because I was forced to work outside of my comfort zone warming up to people I normally wouldn't have. And that's how I met my other best friend. Truthfully she's a werido and can get on my nerves sometimes like any friend. But even when we don't talk for what feels like weeks we can still pick everything up like we talk all the time when we do see each other. She's one of the only people that always stands by me even when I take the chance of being wrong. I am really independent but I would be nothing without my friends. My friends helped me become who I am today. The spunky, wild,out of control, werid, independent, strong,stubborn, and fiesty person I am today. All in all thanks to all my friends new and old that are reading this. I owe more than I can ever repay you.

Falling Apart

I know many of you may not see it but on the inside I'm falling apart bit by bit. I'm trying so hard but through my experiences over the school year I'm becoming a different person a stronger one a more determined one. A person who as of now doesn't let anything go until it's resolved. I now try to open up as much as possible pointing out things that really don't seem right to me. I'm at the point where I must choose my road again. I'm at that cross road again. When you finally think you've run out of them there comes another one. I know what I want and the person I want to be but that's not enough to get my feet going in the right direction. Because believe it or not it's not who you want to be it's your destined to be. You have to discover a little bit of your destiny each time you reach a cross road and then you can continue on the path you choose. I finally after what felt like forever got going on my next path. It's beautiful and magnificent but just like any other great place it does experience it's storms. You can't have everything but sadly I learned that the hard way. I was always one step above where I was supposed to be and that hurt me when someone abruntly knocked me down. I fell and got bruised a little bit but like any wounds they healed and I kept on climbing until I was there again but this time I had someone who stood by me making me the stronger person and instead falling again I stood my ground. My ambitions had been lowered but my dreams and my hope hadn't been crushed. My dreams are my life they guide me in everyday decisions. I tend to think big so for me the sky's the limit. I don't like being held back I like to be let loose and set free. But in my enviornment that's hard when I can just see those things ahead but can't reach them. There so close but yet so far away. I've wished a million things like escaping my world to go to the other one where I sometimes feel that I belong. I believe in everything magical I have no limits. I just wish we could all live in peace and learn from the animals around us they are always so nice and kind they share there world with us not always willingly but know their limits. They set an example for all of human kind because they could teach us some many life lessons but unfortunately most of use don't stop long enough to learn. My life has been put back to together again to extent. I feel as though some of my beliefs are shattered over and over again each day. It hurts a lot because I see the truth of everything I hope with all my heart and stay true to my idea of my faith even when so many of my generation don't. I have wild thoughts and a complicated way of thinking that even I don't get sometimes.

Passion: Whats yours??

My passion is simply Music it's my life. I love to sing and listen to it. I love to play it on my neglected flute. But sometimes I loose focus and get so off track that nothing can help me but Music. Music always calms me down. Without it I would always be bouncing off the walls. It's my life I eat sleep and breathe it. I hate being told my music is bad or crappy or that I should listen to something more like yours. It's ridicoulous because everybody has a right to listen to whatever makes them happy and nobody can tell me I can't like this artist or that artist. That's jus plain wrong. I can listen to ANY artist or song I want to you it's my i-pod not yours so let it go! Some people don't like certain genres and when they say that it's fine with me but don't take it to the point where you might be saying 'oh your whole i-pod is country or Taylor swift' You may not realize it but that hurts I may have an odd mix of music but that's not a reason to state very inaccurate things or insult someone else's chocie in music! Deal with it if they're putting that music on your ipod fine but learn when to leave well enough alone. Because if all I want to listen to is Taylor Swift it's my problem not yours! And I don't see it as a problem considering Taylor Swift is one of my favorite artists just because you don't like her doesn't mean you have to take it out on me. Music is unique to every indiviual so before telling someone something about their music stop and think 'Could this maybe be offensive or hurtful?

When is enough, enough?

When is enough, enough? I've been pondering this question for quite sometime. It doesn't have an exact answer I figured out that much. But seriously there's a breaking point on every situation you can ever imagine. And I personally have a breaking point and quite recently I have reached and surpassed my breaking point. you can typically tell when I've reached my breaking point because I'll yell at you quite seriously or ignore you. You can't trick me and when I say no once and you ask again I'm gonna blow my top soon. No means no! And just because you ask a couple thousand times doesn't mean I'll tell you. Chances are I'll end up REALLY mad at you because you didn't know when to leave well enough alone. Some secrets can't be told because they aren't yours to tell. And when people say they don't want to tell you don't go pawning around trying to find people to tell you what the secret is. Because then you and your source will be in so much more trouble than normal because you obviously weren't smart enough to know when to leave well enough alone! And it's a complete disrespect to that person because they trusted you not to take it any farther and you did against there better wishes. So from that I concluded enough is enough when someone says No the FIRST time not the one thousandth time where you could possibly cause them to blow their tops. People don't enjoy being pestered or guilted into telling you something they may have not wanted you to know. Enough is when that person says cut it out the FIRST time. If you don't know when to leave well enough alone you obviously don't deserve half the respect these people give you because there's a big difference between being friends and putting up with you. End of story.

Out of Words

Today specifcally I'm finally out of words I have no way to describe how I'm feeling but right now I demand change. I'm sick of putting up with stupid things that can defiently be changed. I don't do anything because the way I see it, it's not my fight when it gets all up in my face then it's my problem but otherwise I try to push it aside. I've climbed over the rock but obviously I'm still helping some people up. It's a steep hill I'll give you that but with a little help from your friends and a blast of unstoppable courage it can be done. I know some people have it harder than others and when it becomes personal to me I fight back. And if I fall once and a while I don't cry and beg people to pull me up. I jump to my feet ready for anything else that hits me. My life defiently hasn't been perfect or the best. Do I regret things I did or didn't do? Of course I do but would I want to go back in time and change them? I would actually love to but then chances are I wouldn't be where I am today. Unlike some people I love my life I wouldn't change it for anything. I worked hard to get where I'm at to earn the respect I get from others. You can't just expect everybody has to like you for who you are because that my friend is VERY untrue. I earned everything I have by respecting and being nice to even the people I hate so much I might rip their head's off some day. I never cryed and whined begging for attention that I often didn't want. I like to talk and I'm outgoing but I feel more comfortable around some people than others. If I really needed to could I have a civiled conversation with someone I didn't feel comfortable with? Of course I'm open to whatever life throws at me and I take it as it comes. I like the attention I get on the stage singing or acting because that's what I love to do. Doing what I love is important to me and keeping sticking to my commitments and values is also important to me. All I want is for people to want this much needed change as much as I do and want to enough to actually do something. I know sometimes it can be hard but would you rather get lost in the woods and stay lost or call for help so you can go home. Admitting things about anything isn't a sign of weakness it's a sign of strength showing your willing to do what's needed to be done at any cost. Unfortunately things don't always work out as you or I plan but what's important to know is you have to be willing to mess everything up in order to make everything better.