Saturday, December 25, 2010

Oh my

Have you ever gotten to a point in your life where somethings wrong and you just can't seem to tell yourself what. I've pushed aside. I've pretended. I've cryed. But yet I still don't know excatly what's wrong. I can list you all the things I think are wrong but none of them seem right. I can cry a million more tears and still not know what's wrong. I feel gulity, I feel hated, I feel frightened, I feel insecure. I feel a million more things too. Now I'm not helpless I'm making it through, even when it feels so hard that I'd much rather die. I have to keep going because in these times you know that if you just push through they'll be a light at the end of the tunnel. And no i'm not suicidal not about to even attempt to kill myself. So don't even get that idea. But when I sit down with all my emotions sometimes it's too much the worst thing I do is cry and maybe clean but other than that there is nothing more I can do. I can't confront a problem because I don't have one that I can see. I love my life that's no lie. And at the same time I wish I could've lived a different life that's no lie either. I don't lie or at least I try hard not to. Which is what makes wonder what excatly it is that makes me feel gulity. Maybe it was something I said that I wish I didn't or maybe it was something I though. But either way I feel it and I can't take it back whatever I did. When I look at all my friends I have to be truthful I see nothing but love, and respect. But lately I just can't help but seem to feel so hated, like someone's hiding something from me. Like something's bothering someone who's close to me and it's about me. I'm beginning to be scared of the future, what change the future might bring. I mean everything's gonna change in life at one point but I just get so frightened of my whole world crashing down and burning. I feel insecure and like I'm helpless although I'm not. I feel like I've lost all my courage. Like I've lost everything I am. I know that I haven't but yet I simply cannot stop myself from feeling that way. Life is a battle and it isn't over until the day we die. I'd rather be killed in battle than be killed by my emotions and I refuse to let my emotions take over.

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