Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Rocky Relationships

Have you ever had a rocky relationship? Whether it be with a friend or another person. Either way you have come to a point in time where you want out. And that is that. But for some people it is just so hard to let go of what you have known and loved. You know that the longer you wait the harder it will be for you especially but you know that, that person is not worthy of you. I can relate considering that I have been through a couple of these kinds of relationships. It is unbeliveable how cruel and uncaring some people can be even if they were people you considered to be close friends. I learnd a lot about life one way or another through the experiences I have been through. Learning that some people don't think twice about using you and that even friends you trusted can do the most hurtfult things that brew a storm that you knew was coming. Which leads to really heated fights. Although sometimes these can result in the ending of a friendship. This isn't always a bad thing as I have often experiecned but learn that some people change after you show them what was wrong that kept them blind. For example one friend I knew from other things let me be part of their group. Which I thought was wonderful at the time becase I was in a world that was extremly lonely and had very few people to turn to. By the middle of the school year I was offically hanging out with them and loving it until one seemingly harmless action caused the biggest blowout I had ever seen in my short life. I took the side that ended up changing my life and letting me broaden my horizion. This girl helped me through a lot of things that none of my other friends had even thought twice about about caring about. She listened intently but talked as much as I did. She relates and confides in me. I love her to death for pulling down the barrier the other girls at put up at her own expense. I am still friends with two girls from that group and now the girl who started all this changed a lot in my eyes she's polite and just natrual with her friends being nice to anyone that who is nice to her in return. As many people have said we were all young and stupid back then no one mature enough to handle it in a civilized manor. When I think back to events such as these I am kind of embarrassed but except what I earned from it and indulge what I learned from it. I'll never forget how it felt to feel alone to feel as though all your friends that you trusted and loved betrayed you, your trust and your respect. I've felt that way once and not that long ago. I'm the kind of person who always trys to stay in control and don't often tell people when something is wrong because of fear. Fear of who knows what! (well I know of course). but fear of life repeating itself like it has so many times before. I don't like to fight but if that's what I need to do to fix things I'll do it. Usually though my friends know my boundarires and know when and how not to cross them. That's probaly what I admire most about my friends. I'm sorry to say but now I see that soon I don't know when or hiw but a recent history is quite doomed to repeat itself against many people's better judgement.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

21 Quotes to Guide Me

This is a list of 21 quotes that mean the most to me and stand for who I am. They inspire me in my everyday life and in my everyday activites. I have a certain way I guide my life. Do I disapoint myself sometimes? Of course but I always promise to do better after I've disapointed myself. I always pick myself up after I fall. So here they are and I hope they brighten your life like they've brightened mine:
1. "We weren't sister's by birth but I knew from the start God put us together to be sisters at heart" -This is a quote I was told by one of my friends years ago and it's special to me because it reminds me of friendships I've lost and ones I've found.
2. "Friends that matter don't car and friends that care don't matter"- From the moment I heard this quote it's been one of my favorites, it says a lot to me. It basically means that friends that you care about shouldn't care about things on the outside and it they do they're not good friends
3. "One who does not think for themselves does not think at all"(Oscar Wilde)- You need to be able to think for yourself and make your own decisions regarding everything. You need to be your own person not anybody else's
4. "It's never too late to be who you might've been"(George Elliot)- Everybody says I wish I did this or I wish I did that but in truth you can it's never too late and taking the first step is all it take
5."Together forever never apart maybe in distance but never in heart"- Friends and Family alike never stray a mile in your heart they're just as close even if your a contient away. Our heart is where we keep everything near and dear, close so it's never faraway
6."Life's truest happiness comes from the friendships we make along the way"- My friends are the people in my life that make me happy that let me laugh and have a great time. They make me the person I am, they make me fight for what I overally stand for in my everyday life.
7. "Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets"(Arthur Miller)-We can never redo life when time passes it's over and unfortunately you never get it back. We keep these moments close to us that way we can learn from them and hope that we come out even better than before.
8. "Life is like a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but you can only spend it once"(Lillian Pickson)- One time is all you have you need to live it to be the best and the most successful. You're in control of your life and you should never forget that.
9. "Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony"(Mahatama Gandhi)- Everybody has different interpretations of happiness and this is probaly closet to mine. I think everything needs to be connected one way or another.
10."Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing it was here first"(Mark Twain)- You can't expect anything out of life because it's your job to make something out of life not sit around and wait which could eventally make you become a hobo
11. "Who bravely dares must somtimes risk a fall"(Tobias George Smollett)- I've met plenty of confident people, people who are willing to conquer the world if that's what needs to be done but unfortunately everyone has to fall once in a while you can't win every fight.
12." Imagination is more important that knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world"(Albert Einstein)- Beinf book-smart is great don't get me wrong but how can you get anywhere in the world if you can't dream and dream big. I set high standards and I have high hopes and dreams, that doesn't come from book-smarts it comes from my wild imagination
13. "Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go"(T.S. Elliot)- Most little kids I know like to push their limits and this technique is actually pretty smart because you can't know how far you can go if you've never tested your limits.
14. "Wisdom is knowing what to do next, skill is knowing how to do it and virtue is doing it"(David Starr Jordan)- Not everybody knows how to act in all situations but wisdom, skill and virtue help a lot. They often guide you more than you know in your daily decisions.
15. "First say to yourself what you would be and then do what you have to do"(Epictetus)- Knowing what you need to do is the first step to achieveing any goal. The second step is doing it.
16. "We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone"(Loretta Scott)- I've met a lot of people who do the little things that can help towards the greater picture. What you do today can help change tomorrow.
17. "Expecting life to treat you well because your a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegatarian"(Shari R. Barr)- You can never expect things out of life because then you'll often turn up empty handed. I learned my lesson a long time ago when my well turned up dry.
18. "One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. But to sacrifice what you are and to live without belief that is a fate more terrible than dying"(Joan of Arc)-People openly ruin their lives everyday with no attempt to fix it. We must hold hope and belief in order to thrive in life.
19. "If you love something let it go. If it comes back it's yours. If it doesn't it never really was in the first place" - You know when someone loves you they would do anything for you even let you go if that's what it would take.
20. "Love doesn't make the world fo round. Love is what makes the ride worth while"(Franklin P. Jones)-Your in charge of your life you make the globe spin but things like love and adoration make your life more enjoyable
21. "The really happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery when on a detour"- If you can make the best out of the worst situation you truly know how to live and be happy.
Those are all 21 of them! They make me think harder about the meaning of life and help push me to keep going I really hope they help you people reading too!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Finding Peace

The place or feeling we all know as peace can sometimes be hard to find. The way I see peace is your inner sense of peace and happiness, where the world's worries simply melt away. Peace defiently doesn't come easy it takes time to find and achieve like any worth while thing.Without peace and happiness my life would fall apart. I personally need that sense of secruity and the quiet serene place used for thinking. Thinking about lifes worries can actually take you farther than you think. You can take the much needed time to look at it from many different angles. I find this helps me apporoach situations better by having more in take on them. This also helps me to be a better person because I have more time to get to know myself and know who I am. Many people automatically assume my life has been easy but in reality it hasn't. I've been uprooted so many times that my wide variety of friends stretchs me in many different directions. But unlike some people I know which direction to go in different times. Because for me every direction allows me to have yet another experience. To me thats the only real way you learn from life experiences. I haven't had as much experience as some people but that doesn't mean my experience isn't helpful or worth testing out. I've seen so many things over th course of my life and I think I deserce just a little credit for everything I do. I put up with everything you could ever imagine and more. The only way I can possibly balance it all is through my thoughts. I go head and assess each situation often spacing out a lot because I need that extra focus to get more depth on my thoughts. I find peace by being prepared and know how I feel about everything. I do wish I had more time for meditation because surprisingly it really does help. It helps clear your mind to make room for thoughts and solutions. But my mind unfortunately is instead running wild with confusion which probaly doesn't surprise you. All my friends always joke I'm confused half the time and other half nobody can understand what I'm saying. Which is true but really hiliraous. Make more time for things that can ultimately help you out greatly in the long run because you never know what life might throw at you.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

My Life Story

From what I know outside of my house I was a quiet child nobody really heard much out of me except my best friend Amanda. She was always there she knew me for who I was even back then. I was crushed when I had to leave her. I lost touch with her and was so upset because no one I met could compare to her except one person She was everything to me my sister my best friend my mentor and the person I looked up to. I was crushed when I was taken away (metaphorically) from her. I had other friends I could trust but I never thought I would ever get over it. But truthfully today looking back I owe her a lot because I wouldn't be half the person I am today without her. I moved on slowly coming about a new best friend she isn't half the person my old was but she's special to me for different reasons. She makes me laugh, she teases me (although sometimes I don't always like it), she makes me take risks I wouldn't normally take. We balance each other out she's the free bird and I'm the caged one. She can be quite moody sometimes but when she's happy she brighten everyday. I made lots of different friends especially in middle school because I was forced to work outside of my comfort zone warming up to people I normally wouldn't have. And that's how I met my other best friend. Truthfully she's a werido and can get on my nerves sometimes like any friend. But even when we don't talk for what feels like weeks we can still pick everything up like we talk all the time when we do see each other. She's one of the only people that always stands by me even when I take the chance of being wrong. I am really independent but I would be nothing without my friends. My friends helped me become who I am today. The spunky, wild,out of control, werid, independent, strong,stubborn, and fiesty person I am today. All in all thanks to all my friends new and old that are reading this. I owe more than I can ever repay you.

Falling Apart

I know many of you may not see it but on the inside I'm falling apart bit by bit. I'm trying so hard but through my experiences over the school year I'm becoming a different person a stronger one a more determined one. A person who as of now doesn't let anything go until it's resolved. I now try to open up as much as possible pointing out things that really don't seem right to me. I'm at the point where I must choose my road again. I'm at that cross road again. When you finally think you've run out of them there comes another one. I know what I want and the person I want to be but that's not enough to get my feet going in the right direction. Because believe it or not it's not who you want to be it's your destined to be. You have to discover a little bit of your destiny each time you reach a cross road and then you can continue on the path you choose. I finally after what felt like forever got going on my next path. It's beautiful and magnificent but just like any other great place it does experience it's storms. You can't have everything but sadly I learned that the hard way. I was always one step above where I was supposed to be and that hurt me when someone abruntly knocked me down. I fell and got bruised a little bit but like any wounds they healed and I kept on climbing until I was there again but this time I had someone who stood by me making me the stronger person and instead falling again I stood my ground. My ambitions had been lowered but my dreams and my hope hadn't been crushed. My dreams are my life they guide me in everyday decisions. I tend to think big so for me the sky's the limit. I don't like being held back I like to be let loose and set free. But in my enviornment that's hard when I can just see those things ahead but can't reach them. There so close but yet so far away. I've wished a million things like escaping my world to go to the other one where I sometimes feel that I belong. I believe in everything magical I have no limits. I just wish we could all live in peace and learn from the animals around us they are always so nice and kind they share there world with us not always willingly but know their limits. They set an example for all of human kind because they could teach us some many life lessons but unfortunately most of use don't stop long enough to learn. My life has been put back to together again to extent. I feel as though some of my beliefs are shattered over and over again each day. It hurts a lot because I see the truth of everything I hope with all my heart and stay true to my idea of my faith even when so many of my generation don't. I have wild thoughts and a complicated way of thinking that even I don't get sometimes.

Passion: Whats yours??

My passion is simply Music it's my life. I love to sing and listen to it. I love to play it on my neglected flute. But sometimes I loose focus and get so off track that nothing can help me but Music. Music always calms me down. Without it I would always be bouncing off the walls. It's my life I eat sleep and breathe it. I hate being told my music is bad or crappy or that I should listen to something more like yours. It's ridicoulous because everybody has a right to listen to whatever makes them happy and nobody can tell me I can't like this artist or that artist. That's jus plain wrong. I can listen to ANY artist or song I want to you it's my i-pod not yours so let it go! Some people don't like certain genres and when they say that it's fine with me but don't take it to the point where you might be saying 'oh your whole i-pod is country or Taylor swift' You may not realize it but that hurts I may have an odd mix of music but that's not a reason to state very inaccurate things or insult someone else's chocie in music! Deal with it if they're putting that music on your ipod fine but learn when to leave well enough alone. Because if all I want to listen to is Taylor Swift it's my problem not yours! And I don't see it as a problem considering Taylor Swift is one of my favorite artists just because you don't like her doesn't mean you have to take it out on me. Music is unique to every indiviual so before telling someone something about their music stop and think 'Could this maybe be offensive or hurtful?

When is enough, enough?

When is enough, enough? I've been pondering this question for quite sometime. It doesn't have an exact answer I figured out that much. But seriously there's a breaking point on every situation you can ever imagine. And I personally have a breaking point and quite recently I have reached and surpassed my breaking point. you can typically tell when I've reached my breaking point because I'll yell at you quite seriously or ignore you. You can't trick me and when I say no once and you ask again I'm gonna blow my top soon. No means no! And just because you ask a couple thousand times doesn't mean I'll tell you. Chances are I'll end up REALLY mad at you because you didn't know when to leave well enough alone. Some secrets can't be told because they aren't yours to tell. And when people say they don't want to tell you don't go pawning around trying to find people to tell you what the secret is. Because then you and your source will be in so much more trouble than normal because you obviously weren't smart enough to know when to leave well enough alone! And it's a complete disrespect to that person because they trusted you not to take it any farther and you did against there better wishes. So from that I concluded enough is enough when someone says No the FIRST time not the one thousandth time where you could possibly cause them to blow their tops. People don't enjoy being pestered or guilted into telling you something they may have not wanted you to know. Enough is when that person says cut it out the FIRST time. If you don't know when to leave well enough alone you obviously don't deserve half the respect these people give you because there's a big difference between being friends and putting up with you. End of story.

Out of Words

Today specifcally I'm finally out of words I have no way to describe how I'm feeling but right now I demand change. I'm sick of putting up with stupid things that can defiently be changed. I don't do anything because the way I see it, it's not my fight when it gets all up in my face then it's my problem but otherwise I try to push it aside. I've climbed over the rock but obviously I'm still helping some people up. It's a steep hill I'll give you that but with a little help from your friends and a blast of unstoppable courage it can be done. I know some people have it harder than others and when it becomes personal to me I fight back. And if I fall once and a while I don't cry and beg people to pull me up. I jump to my feet ready for anything else that hits me. My life defiently hasn't been perfect or the best. Do I regret things I did or didn't do? Of course I do but would I want to go back in time and change them? I would actually love to but then chances are I wouldn't be where I am today. Unlike some people I love my life I wouldn't change it for anything. I worked hard to get where I'm at to earn the respect I get from others. You can't just expect everybody has to like you for who you are because that my friend is VERY untrue. I earned everything I have by respecting and being nice to even the people I hate so much I might rip their head's off some day. I never cryed and whined begging for attention that I often didn't want. I like to talk and I'm outgoing but I feel more comfortable around some people than others. If I really needed to could I have a civiled conversation with someone I didn't feel comfortable with? Of course I'm open to whatever life throws at me and I take it as it comes. I like the attention I get on the stage singing or acting because that's what I love to do. Doing what I love is important to me and keeping sticking to my commitments and values is also important to me. All I want is for people to want this much needed change as much as I do and want to enough to actually do something. I know sometimes it can be hard but would you rather get lost in the woods and stay lost or call for help so you can go home. Admitting things about anything isn't a sign of weakness it's a sign of strength showing your willing to do what's needed to be done at any cost. Unfortunately things don't always work out as you or I plan but what's important to know is you have to be willing to mess everything up in order to make everything better.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

It takes time

Nothing happens over night you don't grow two feet or age 5 years but in turn time does move fast. Only time can heal a broken heart. My heart and the folds of my friendship are mending are they completely fixed? Absolutely not. It'll take time for my friends to regain my trust and earn back my respect. Because no matter how hard you try scars can't be erased they are there forever. I'll never forget the hurt I experienced when I saw how I was constantly being left out. I believed my friends no longer wanted me and no longer cared. I would sit in my bedroom some nights and cry myself to sleep I was so distraught. I began to pull away and turn to friends who did seem care. The friends that hurt me just never seemed to realize the seriousness of their decisions. At this point they still have much to gain back because there's only certain people I forgive on the spot. Have I forgiven them? When i think about it I really haven't forgiven them it still really hurts and it will take a lot of time for me to get over it. Will I be the same person I was before? I won't. I learn from my experiences and evolve from them. I've learned how to be happy and accept what I have. I've learned that I can't keep everything hidden anymore. I've learned how not to let certain things hurt me. And finally I've partially learned how to move on. I've learned so many things that I'll keep with me always and I've met people I'll never forget, people who have in my eyes helped mold who I am and who I'm yet to become.


"We weren't sisters by birth but I knew from the start God put us together to be sisters at heart." A couple years back one of my really good friends told me that quote and when I heard it I kept it safe in my heart where it lives. It make me think of many of my friends but one friend especially. The way I often described her was that only girl that could understand me without words. After everything I went through with her I defiently learned the most about our friendship this year. And I learned a lot about myself. Like how hard it is for me to hear the word 'overeact'. That word brings up awful memories of the times I tried to tell my friends something was wrong but they never listened never registered anything was wrong or that I was trying to tell them something important. After hearing that word I always felt it harder to hold back tears. And when this occurred I began pulling away more and more searching for people who truly understand my words. But I began pulling back the instant tragedy struck. I finally admitted what was hurting me and in turn they registered all this and apologized. Realizing their faults. But I became distand with one person not because of anything we did but because of the ever present wedge being forced inbetween us. We're defiently getting better making progress. And I look forward to the day where we can use our combined strength to force the wedge out.


I would be lying if I said that thus far nothing has been at least partially fixed. So progress has been happening. Some people still haven't chosen their sides while others have come to an understanding and chosen. But thankfully everything has managed to come to a simple simmer making the atmosphere really light and finally some what peaceful. For once everything is falling into place I may find a puzzle piece that doesn't fit from time to time but now that is easily fixed. I personally have learned to except my surrondings and the people in my life that make it special. I owe those people a lot because for a while they were my life rafts I depended upon them for survival. For those of you who know me, know that being either really loud or really quiet makes me the odd, extremely independent, kooky, spazy person I am. So depending on others isn't all that much like me. At that point in time I felt let down, unaware of anything but my problems. I was so lost and they were the only people that could lead me back to shore. I trusted them and in return they never betrayed me. So when I find myself sitting in a corner of my bedroom crying my eyes out I stop and seee how I simply just need to find their guidance once again and the weight of the world on my shoulders vanishes.

Fun and Games

I personally love to play gmaes but is it pssible to take a game too far? Have you ever taken a game too far? Said just one thing that pushed the limit? I can't recall a time where I did that but I know how it feels. Lately I've been told I should open up more comminucate. This is I totally agree with but is going to take some getting used to. Because I remember when I tied to tell them something was wrong they always told me I was overeacting. Never stopping to register what I was actually saying. In my own way I was telling them something was wrong. But they never listened. So I confinded in other people who actually listened to me. And these are the people I trust and respect most. The people who listen even when they know I'm going to tell one of my stories again. I guess now after my couple days back at school that I'm done I feel like I haven't seen one of my friends even though we sit at the same lunch table. In a way I'm avoiding some of my problems by waiting for others to take action. I have to admit that I'm still VERY angry but part of me has moved on because I realize the more it gets to me the more it hurts me. I'm forfitting! It's not worth it anymore. Because I'd rather surrond myself with those who know how to navigate through a storm than people who continusly get me lost. I want friends that make chocies that DON'T hurt the people around them.