Friday, August 27, 2010
We often find ourselves ignoring our hearts maybe because our minds are more important or because we really don't care what our hearts have to say. Either way it's constant whispers are often being neglected. I started to listen to my heart in 5th grade I remember that day excatly. I was walking up the soccer field lightly tapping my ball between my feet walking to my brother's soccer practice across the field. I looked around me and saw a guy, my age, in my class sitting on the field with 2 of his friends. I suddenly heard him whisper to his friends something about me being bad at dribbling. I was intended to hear it. And you probaly know this kid: short, dark-haired, extremely annoying must I say more? Well anyway that was the day I first heard my heart speaking to me. And the day my life changed forever. I was beginning to lose my innocence bit by bit. Slowly but surely. There was no stopping it now. I suddenly transformed into a giggly little school girl with my best friend and sidekick. It was picture perfect. But it could only last so long. The school year came to a close and so did that phase of my life. I barely talked to him after that even everyday that summer when I saw him at my pool club. Everything we had died. It was as simple as that. At the beginning I longed for everything back and sometimes still do. I miss what we had but I know now that I can live without him. Or maybe I found people along the way to patch up the holes he left behind. But then I met another who patched up all the holes but in turn cause one to hurt. He's one that now I simply cannot get over. No matter what I do. No matter what I try. I can't get him out of my head. I don't care if my guy psyic says I have no chance because he doesn't like me back. Because I know in my heart that's not true. I see that little annoying glitter in his eye when I walk by him in the hallway. I see when we catch eyes in class and we both snap our eyes away each of us afraid that the other will see deeper than the surface. And see what we both try so hard to hide. But I have to say he does an awful job of hiding it. Probaly due to the fact that most of the time he manages to be a total idiot. But for some reason I just can't manage to give up on him. I keep listening to my heart and my heart refuses to let go of him no matter what. So as long as my heart says so I won't give up. Sometimes listening to your heart is beneifical and other times it isn't. But living by what your heart says gets you farther than your head alone will. A quick warning to those who may doubt these very words : Sometimes your heart can be wrong.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
By the time septemeber hit it was too late I had spent all summer collecting materials for my wall. Construction was beginning. By the end of october the wall was finished and I was stuck behind it by my choosing. I was sick of people ruining my life and playing with my heart. So I made the decision to put up the wall to keep them out. All I had left for communication was a little slot 1 brick high and 2 bricks wide. I didn't think to bring anything to keep me alive. I had nothing.And the whole time I was there I blamed myself. I don't think that I would've survived without the love from my friends that could still reach me. The love that was endlessly pouring through my small little slot. And the very few people who could make the wall disappear for a moment in time so they could visit me. But it only lasted so long and then I was alone again. It's fair to say I spend a good 3 months trapped by choice behind that brick wall. I guess by mid-decemeber the little slot began to grow bigger. Big enough for someone to crawl through. And they started coming to visit me. Slowly but surely they did. And bit by bit they helped me take down my wall. They began to prove to me that I was not to blame. I was merely putty in another person's hands. They showed me that the world needed me. It just wasn't the same without me. So I agreed to come back but at first I needed them as my crutches. I was just too weak to stand on my own. But eventually I gained my strength back. And I was beginning to pull my shattered self. back together. I needed plenty of duck tape to hold myself together while I healed. I couldn't be the same exact person I was when that wall went up. I was just too broken. Too confused. Too hurt. To be the same person. I needed some new parts. And as soon as I obtained those new parts the healing process began. The ink of my emotions began to pour out onto paper. And the fiber of who I am began to take root. All the answers to my questions became clear. And I was done healing for the time being. I was free again and it felt amazing, to be free again. I was done playing by the rules someone else had set for me. I wasn't going to be anybody's puppet any longer. There was no body who would take me down. None of them had the nerve and even the few that did try didn't succeed. I was done being told who I was going to be, by people that had no right to control my life. I wasn;t putty in anybody's hands anymore. I was simply me and that was the end of it. I'm glad that I took down that inconvient wall because it got in the way of my living my life. I don't wish for it to not have happened because then a strip of my being would be ripped away from me. Sometimes we need the reality check to prove to ourselves that we're wrong and that it's never too late to right your wrong.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Although I haven't been around too long I sure know that living in the moment is the key to a happy life. You're not always gonna make decisions that you'll be proud of. But that isn't the end of the world. We make mistakes and plenty of them. We do things we regret, things we wish we could take back. But in the end we can't and all we can do is move on. Some of us are better at that than others but we all cope in our own ways. Whether it be pushing those mistakes to the back of your mind and trying so hard to forget about it. Like me. or face up to th fact that you've done something wrong and move on. But that's not how my life works so thats not how this piece is gonna go. I've spent the majority of my life running. Runnning from all the mistakes I've made. Believe it or not I ran. I wanted nothing to do with the mistakes I made. But some where along the way something changed. Something imporant. I wish that I knew what but even I don't know what that change was. Boy, do I wish I knew unfortunately I don't. I've learned running gets you no where, no matter how fast or how far you go. You'll always end up in the same place. It's a fact of life that many of us neve face up to. I guess if I had to take a guess at this change I would probaly guess the time when I began to feel again. The time when my full burden was released upon me and I cracked under the weight. The burden wsa simply too much for me to bare. And I started crying myself to sleep over what my life had become. I couldn't take it. It was just too much. Crying helped to the extent that it lessened my burden for a mere moment in time. After a while it was impossible to go on with a nice fake smile on my face. It just didn't work. I couldn't hide behind the mask of fake well being any longer. So I didn't. I just stopped and embraced the life I had. The life I couldn't fight against. It was was just too strong, too sure that I could make it through my rough patch. It kept pushing me forward despite my protests and my begging. It just kept going even if it had to carry me to get where I was going. And despite evreything I did it was right. I made it through with plenty of scratchs and bruises but not completely whole. It could only help me so much the rest I had to do by myself. Life wasn't made simple or easy. It has many twists and turns and plenty of bumops that are unavoidable. Life's too short to dwell on the things we can't control, can't change. It's too short to spend a lot of time on the stupid things. Now here's my advice to you: take the little moments and them plenty big. Make them moments you would gladly relive. Time goes by dast so embrace the time you have when you have it. because you'll never get it back.