Thursday, August 26, 2010

Building A Wall

By the time septemeber hit it was too late I had spent all summer collecting materials for my wall. Construction was beginning. By the end of october the wall was finished and I was stuck behind it by my choosing. I was sick of people ruining my life and playing with my heart. So I made the decision to put up the wall to keep them out. All I had left for communication was a little slot 1 brick high and 2 bricks wide. I didn't think to bring anything to keep me alive. I had nothing.And the whole time I was there I blamed myself. I don't think that I would've survived without the love from my friends that could still reach me. The love that was endlessly pouring through my small little slot. And the very few people who could make the wall disappear for a moment in time so they could visit me. But it only lasted so long and then I was alone again. It's fair to say I spend a good 3 months trapped by choice behind that brick wall. I guess by mid-decemeber the little slot began to grow bigger. Big enough for someone to crawl through. And they started coming to visit me. Slowly but surely they did. And bit by bit they helped me take down my wall. They began to prove to me that I was not to blame. I was merely putty in another person's hands. They showed me that the world needed me. It just wasn't the same without me. So I agreed to come back but at first I needed them as my crutches. I was just too weak to stand on my own. But eventually I gained my strength back. And I was beginning to pull my shattered self. back together. I needed plenty of duck tape to hold myself together while I healed. I couldn't be the same exact person I was when that wall went up. I was just too broken. Too confused. Too hurt. To be the same person. I needed some new parts. And as soon as I obtained those new parts the healing process began. The ink of my emotions began to pour out onto paper. And the fiber of who I am began to take root. All the answers to my questions became clear. And I was done healing for the time being. I was free again and it felt amazing, to be free again. I was done playing by the rules someone else had set for me. I wasn't going to be anybody's puppet any longer. There was no body who would take me down. None of them had the nerve and even the few that did try didn't succeed. I was done being told who I was going to be, by people that had no right to control my life. I wasn;t putty in anybody's hands anymore. I was simply me and that was the end of it. I'm glad that I took down that inconvient wall because it got in the way of my living my life. I don't wish for it to not have happened because then a strip of my being would be ripped away from me. Sometimes we need the reality check to prove to ourselves that we're wrong and that it's never too late to right your wrong.

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