Thursday, February 25, 2010


All you people reading this must be putting on one of those confused faces and be like how does this post make any sense? It's pronaly really confusing for those of you who don't know her. She's a wonderful, amazing, strong person. And my true best friend. I've known her since I was 19 days old. I've gone through all the ups and downs of sisterhood with her. The time where you want to slap her and the times where you want to worship at her feet. To tell the truth she's never been that great with moods or advice. But she knows how to be there even when she's 5,000 miles away. I love her to death that girl. She's my wonder woman. My dirty blond haired,greenish brown eyed best friend. For sure and for certain we don't always get along. But we fit together like a puzzle piece. She's every part of me that i'm not and I'm every part of her she's not. As you can tell I'm 19 days older and between us I'll never let her forget. We're from two different worlds. She's a tomboy and a youngest child. While I'm a healthy mux and an oldest child. I love, life and learn from it. She teaches me and I in turn try to teach her.


It's a word we hear everyday often when we need to cover up for bad actions. That's how you can tell apart a good persom and bad person and that some place inbetween. A truly good person faces up to their actions and bad people try to avoid them. People in between are often half and half. I must admit I sometimes don't face up to my actions or inactions. Why you may ask? Fear. I've been afraid for so long just to tell the thruth or tell someone what I really feel. A lot aren't good at picking up feelings and stuff like that. But I cleary remember one girl who could always tell when people weren't happy. She was always very nice and kind and of course still is. When you run away from feelings and truth you are often being really uncomfortable in your own skin. These are people who haven't learned how to be happy and how to live a healthy life. Anywhere you go there will always be fault in matters but it's resolved through truth, time, and responsibility.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Truth of Life

It's fun to tease your friends. For me a couple of my friends are equivalent to sisters. They understand where I'm coming from. If you know me you know that I don't tease very often and when I'm serious I don't back down. I get mad slightly easily. I at this point absoluteley HATE drama. I hate how some people make everything up to be so extravagant empasising the things that really don't matter. People play games with the wrong people. They obviously don't know who they're messing with! So let's get down to bussiness. You can't play for both teams eventually you have to choose. That's the down right truth of the matter. Life isn't a game it can't be played and then put away and then taken back out again. It's a never ending roller coaster. Which needs to be enjoyed because unfortunatly you can never get off and decide to switch to the scrambler. You can only have a foot in both boats for so long with out falling. What you decide defines who you are and what you stand for. It can considerably change the course of your entire life. The point is you can't please everybody and some people eventually slip through the cracks. There's a difference between having fun and teasing and making fun of and pleasing everybody. I see it everyday and at this point I can't possibly be pleased by anyone by certain people. These people have proved that they chose their team and they're sticking by it. They don't try to please everyone they don't live by the rules. They live through their hearts they know what they have to do and they may not know where there going but they defiently know how to get there. They know how to make me smile and laugh and just enjoy life. Then theres the people that try to fool into thinking that it's alright. When in reality it really isn't and you can see right through there phony game. There liars and cheaters and stealers. Living life on thin ice. I mean how long can truly live when you live like that. Disrespecting the people you don't care about just to get close to the people that you want. This is no way to live life if you can't learn to at least respect everyone then how do you expect to be respected in return? Life is something worth living so don't make it a battlefield! Enjoy it! Love it! Grasp it! And learn from your mistakes. I'm sick of putting up with everything fighting what seems like the worlds battles. I want that calm peaceful playfulness I used to have with my friends. But now only have with the friends I have known all my life. I don't want to elaborate on her but she's amzing, wonderful, talented and knows how to live life. She doesn't take ANYTHING for guranted and that's what I love about her. It feels so natrual as if it was meant to be. I wish I could feel that way all the time everywhere. So to sum things up you can't change anything by avoiding the truth and if you need your space to choose that boat then pull away. You answer to no one but yourself. You don't owe anybody anything. If anybody tells you otherwise it's a free country and it's your life and you have to be able to risk ruining it

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Sick and Tired

For the longest time I have been putting up with crap. I've witnessed everything first hand. And finally my prayers were partially answered. I got my friends to see what I had been seeing for so long. But now I am finally putting my foot down. I refuse to go any farther. I can't stand it anymore. They see my way but they keep playing the game. I understand sometimes there is nothing anyone can do but what hurt the most was when I was told it was simply impossible for me to understand. her situation. But the understanding she was seeking was right in front of her. She barely even knows me which is why I don't consider her my friend. She knows nothing about who I am , what I stand for and what I've done to get here. Also due to the fact the she treats me like crap for no apparent reason. At that point I seriously wanted to slap her! She had no idea the hardships far worse that I have faced in the past year. I lost TWO very important loved ones and my best friend. She is only nice to me when it benefits her.
But anyway I'd like to circle back to the prayer that has not yet been answered. Th other part of the prayer was something like my friends finally coming to their senses and realizing the little things about me that are obvious but they have just not noticed. For example when I'm really quiet or just not saying anything at all I am either really ticked off or feel awkward and out of place. They never seem to notice this about me. But finally I've said I'm done before many times but the last realization had put me at a point where I am really done. I'm angry and ticked off and torn in a million different directions. I just want it all to stop. But from this experience I have sure learned a lot. I've learned how to be happy and how to have fun. I've learned who my true friends are and what a true friend means. Which makes me realize some friends are yet to earn that title to prove their worth per say. I wrote all this to reach out to girls who have been in a situation similar to mine. Where one girl that's stolen their best friend and in their eyes ruined their life.
I have been very fortunate and have friends that stood by me no matter what. Who have pushed aside things that truly don't matter to help me get through the hard times I have been faced with and the hard times I am yet to face. I have not yet made my finaly decision on anything regarding my situation. All I know is what path I am destined to take. The path where I make my own decisions, learn from my own mistakes and let NOTHING stand in my way.
I learn from experience considering this isn't the first time I've lost my blond haired blue eyed best friend/ soul sister. That girl I knew before ever meeting. Although my first experience was very different and a story for another time. I learned the same things then as I did now. Everybody has a choice in life what they choose to do isn't your decision. It's easier to let them go then to hold on making yourself hurt more. I learned to let go and that's excatly what I did both times. Even though I let go it still hurts very much but I allow nyself to enjoy the life that I am blessed to have instead of hanging to things that I can't change. There's a lot of things about my life that I regret and wish I could redo but when I look ahead instead of back I see what a great life I have regardless of these silly mistakes. The truth of the matter is life is full of chocies and challenges but if you can't over come them the way the should be over come then you don't know how to live.
My closing statments are simply I can't put up with everything anymore. I need a sense of peace in my life. I apoligize for anyone I might be hurting making this decision. I am torn with every turn I take and it's defiently not over but I'm done.


Have you ever thought up an extravagant world only for it to be a dream? I remeber playing games that seemed to come to life. I was maybe ten or eleven my friends and I liked to play this game we called black night. It was one of my two dream worlds and this was a real as ever for me considering as soon as the teacher annoced recess I would plunge myself into this miracoulous world. the thing that made this world so real was the fact that i had the everyday hardships of life softly woven into it's seems. Even today I wish I could go back to that world where everything wasn't excatly okay but it was easy as. As easy as making friends in kindergarten. My friend and me also had this wonderful fairytale land almost. It was a place where she and I were sisters and lived in an amazing mansion withe everything we had ever wanted, Hannah Montana Closets, adorable little sisters, horses and to good to be true social lives. This world was as real as it was when we were ten. The significance of these places reflects in our sense of secruity and well being. All I can say is these places are REAL we just have to dig a little deeper to find them.

Mean People

I personally have met a couple of these but truthfully who hasn't? I've stood trhough more than you could ever imagine. The troment of the power these people though they had over you. I still everyday get ordered around like a little slave girl. Although I never obey I simply answer I can do what I want and YOU can't tell me otherwise. Some people just need to be in control of a little bubble surronding them. But as soon as you pop that bubble and push them to see what's beyond it they become vunerable and normal again. It's true this takes an immense amount of time to over come the obsitcules people like this are given because if what they give out. The difference that many people fail to see is that between a natrual leader and a seized controler. All you really need to know is NOBODY can control you or tell you who you are or who you're going to be.

Heart Break

Whenever mosr people hear this they immediatly pair it with a break-up. But when I think of it I think of situations that can cause you a lot of pain emotionally. For example I personally have been going through a lot of heart breack and heart ache because I'm torn between doing what's best for me and giving up what I love so dearly and would give my life to protect. I know for a fact I don't use as much courage as I have and never admit to what truly matters. Emotional pain you go through could be considered heart ache or heart break. I wish the world could be ten times more happy than we are and then just maybe we could all get along in peace like so many people want. My only wish on the regards of heart break are that I wish mor epople could see what it is their doing that hurts other people.