Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Sick and Tired

For the longest time I have been putting up with crap. I've witnessed everything first hand. And finally my prayers were partially answered. I got my friends to see what I had been seeing for so long. But now I am finally putting my foot down. I refuse to go any farther. I can't stand it anymore. They see my way but they keep playing the game. I understand sometimes there is nothing anyone can do but what hurt the most was when I was told it was simply impossible for me to understand. her situation. But the understanding she was seeking was right in front of her. She barely even knows me which is why I don't consider her my friend. She knows nothing about who I am , what I stand for and what I've done to get here. Also due to the fact the she treats me like crap for no apparent reason. At that point I seriously wanted to slap her! She had no idea the hardships far worse that I have faced in the past year. I lost TWO very important loved ones and my best friend. She is only nice to me when it benefits her.
But anyway I'd like to circle back to the prayer that has not yet been answered. Th other part of the prayer was something like my friends finally coming to their senses and realizing the little things about me that are obvious but they have just not noticed. For example when I'm really quiet or just not saying anything at all I am either really ticked off or feel awkward and out of place. They never seem to notice this about me. But finally I've said I'm done before many times but the last realization had put me at a point where I am really done. I'm angry and ticked off and torn in a million different directions. I just want it all to stop. But from this experience I have sure learned a lot. I've learned how to be happy and how to have fun. I've learned who my true friends are and what a true friend means. Which makes me realize some friends are yet to earn that title to prove their worth per say. I wrote all this to reach out to girls who have been in a situation similar to mine. Where one girl that's stolen their best friend and in their eyes ruined their life.
I have been very fortunate and have friends that stood by me no matter what. Who have pushed aside things that truly don't matter to help me get through the hard times I have been faced with and the hard times I am yet to face. I have not yet made my finaly decision on anything regarding my situation. All I know is what path I am destined to take. The path where I make my own decisions, learn from my own mistakes and let NOTHING stand in my way.
I learn from experience considering this isn't the first time I've lost my blond haired blue eyed best friend/ soul sister. That girl I knew before ever meeting. Although my first experience was very different and a story for another time. I learned the same things then as I did now. Everybody has a choice in life what they choose to do isn't your decision. It's easier to let them go then to hold on making yourself hurt more. I learned to let go and that's excatly what I did both times. Even though I let go it still hurts very much but I allow nyself to enjoy the life that I am blessed to have instead of hanging to things that I can't change. There's a lot of things about my life that I regret and wish I could redo but when I look ahead instead of back I see what a great life I have regardless of these silly mistakes. The truth of the matter is life is full of chocies and challenges but if you can't over come them the way the should be over come then you don't know how to live.
My closing statments are simply I can't put up with everything anymore. I need a sense of peace in my life. I apoligize for anyone I might be hurting making this decision. I am torn with every turn I take and it's defiently not over but I'm done.

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