Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Seriously I've it my absoulte last straw. I'M DONE! I'm sooo sick of it. I can't even fathom how much I'm sick of it. I want to punch some specfic's face in. This soo ridcoulous and it's gotten sooo out of hand. That's it I go on with it no more. The more you push it the more chances you loose. And when you get to 0 what do you think happens? Your disposed of especially if you're way obviously beyond help. I can't do it anymore. People who mess with me DON'T get rewarded they get PUNISHED. And if you happen to get one of my less severe punishments you're lucky because unfortunately not everybody I've gotten rid of has been that lucky. I've run out of chances. There's not even one left the well is dry. You won't here if cross the line again I'll jump down your throat. Because it's wayyyy too late for that. I've given out chances into the negatives. And now you must pay the price. Not everything is free in this world but the best things are. And I learned that the minute I lost my first friend. I pushed her away because I was done there was nothing more for me there. She was one of the lucky few, she didn't get tortured or abused. I just made a nice thin cut and that was the end of that. It was simple and easy. But she can still be helped I never gave up on her. But I just cut off our friendship because I knew that it wouldn't work anymore. I've been lucky as a person to be who I am. I owe her that. Without her I wouldn't be half the person I was today. She was one of my few friends that helped mold who I am. So thank you to that friend where ever you are. I hope that you can one day see the light.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
I'm done acting. I'm done lying. I'm done being somebody I'm not. I"m done pretending. I'm done putting up with things. I'm done watching. I'm done being nice to everyone even when they don't deserve it. I'm done and nothing you say or do is gonna change a thing. I love my life even with all the crazy ups and downs. But I need people to respect my decisions. Begging isn't gonna help you now or later in life. I've made multiple decisions the past few weeks but it seems as though I can't stick to any of them but I'm open to change. I need to change. I know some people would say I'm great just the way I am. But some people know me for who I am and others know me for who I was trying to be. I wrote that pass tense because at certain point in my life I wanted to be a certain person and as we all know when you pretend to be someone for so long that's eventually who you'll become. And now that's not who I want to be. Truthfully I'm the only one who really knows who I am. But describing myself doesn't do me much justice. I'm really hard on myself and sometimes I guess people don't understand that. You wouldn't even be able to guess how much I beat myself up over making some stupid mistake. I take a lot of things seriously. I'm not a really big jokester. I have a hard head I'm extremely stubborn. I know of very few people that can convince me to go against what I want. I'm a fighter. I learned only quite recently that the best things in life are the ones worth fighting for. Fighting until you have nothing left to be fighting for. I'm determined and have a very set view for myself. Therefore if I fall below my own standards I kind of beat myself up about it. I've heard before that I set my standards too high and that I should lower them but I only recently realized why I set them so high. My standards are set high because I need something to keep me going and when you set them high you're always trying to get there to achieve that seemingly impossible goal. Because for me nothing is impossible everything is do able one way or another. But writing that I think about how much of a wimp I can be and I wimp out because I like set plans have everything just so. But I've learned not everything turns out just the way you planned it. One person once told me : you analize everything like your looking at it from above when you actually living it. Maybe there isn't always a reason for everything . And I know why I do that. I'm not big on facing up to reality. I like to pretend even for a little while that everything is perfect when it really isn't. I'm big on covering things up using my acting talent to mask my emotions as best as I can. But another reason I do it is because it's easier to assess a situation when your looking at because when your living it logicailty has nothing to with it anymore. And I like to be logical in my reason. I like excatness and that's probaly why I'm stronger in math and science because most things there have exact answers where as things in English and Social Studies don't always. Surprisingly I like school. I like to learn. People reading this must think I'm insane and yes I am but I like school because it lets me prove myself in a way the outside world doesn't always. It lets me prove myself like this very blog does. It lets me express myself safely in a comfortable way for me. Thank you so much for reading you have no idea how much it really means to me.
I remeber that time when I had lost all hope. I was dazed and confused. I no longer knew what I wanted. I was convinced I would never make it through the storm. But for one brief second in time I saw a sliver of light only to later realize it was only a figment of my imagination. And when I finally made it to the light house I brought the storm with me to that town. The storm has subsided for now but we all see it silently lurking in the distance waiting for the right moment to come rain one our parade. We all know what we have in store and we're ready for it. We're ready for whatever life throws at us. We're prepared. We're not afraid. We stand together or we might as well not stand at all. We finally all understand. Every puzzle piece has finally fallen into place after a long while. I've been really lucky to have gone through everything I went through and still make it out on top. I'm so grateful for everything that has happened to me good and bad. I no longer regret anything about my life. I've learned how to accept failures and losses. To learn from my mistakes and pick myself up when I stumble. I've learned that there may be I wish I did this instead but we have no time machines you can't go back in time to fix it. You've got to fix it or live with it in the time we live in. Life isn't always going to be black and white its wayyy more complex than that. I'd like to remeber everybody who's at one point helped me in my life. People that deserve some sort of gratitude even if they don't know what they did. I miss almost every moment of my life and when a minute passes it surprises me when a day passes I'm in shock when a month passes I'm still shocked. When a year passes I don't know what to do with myself. I guess some of us take fore guranted how fast time goes by and how each moment is precious. For anybody who's reading this take a moment whether it be a minute or an hour to remeber all the people that have made a difference in your life.
Letting go can be harder than one can imagine it takes time and determination. But you can be determined to let go and it can end up not happening. Truthfully determination isn't the right word open minded, yes open-mined that is the correct word. You need to be open to letting go. You must be open to change. And just because you let go doesn't mean your guranted to move on. They come as a pair and unfortunately there is no way out of it. You can't let go without moving on. And you can't move on without letting go first. Ignoring that crucial rule could mean reliving what you already went through. I know that because I neglected that very important rule of life. I kept trying to tell myself what I should and shouldn't feel but that's not how it works. The heart wants what the heart wants and as humans there's nothing we can do to change that. I fall all the time. I make mistakes. I get embarrassed. But it's only healthy to let go of those moments and move on. They're not worth holding onto. True they are still memoires and they will someday re-surface but when we don't have to worry about them. And we shouldn't
Saturday, April 24, 2010
As all of my readers know I don't often write about love although I do talk about guys quite a bit, but I've never written about it unfortunately I don't really plan on it. These past two weeks have been a repeat in history for me. Did I do it right this time? Nope, I messed it up again but this time I don't regret it as much. I don't see it as a loss. But this week I've learned about 5 more life lessons that I'll probaly write about later. But the important thing that I've learned is how to see right past stupid acts that people believe are covering everything up. And seeing a direct pattern in my torment that led me on a straight path to the truth I knew was there all along. So for once I was right and it feels good but I can't share it with anyone sadly because they all would never believe me. And especially now after all that has happened they especially wouldn't believe me. But I've learned how to move on, something I had been trying so hard to accomplish before and finally did. It was exciting at first but soon led me to see what I had earlier not seen. The truth. This week I struggled tremendsly through history repetion and the way things played out this time around. I took that much needed step back to assess the situation. I learned to let go of things that really aren't worth it. I've fallein in love before not offically but I've felt it. I know how it feels to have your heart ripped out and stomped on. I know more than you give me credit for. I've been bullied, been treated like dirt, and had bad days. Do I always come out on top? No! I've had to work REALLY hard to be where I'm at. I haven't just had everything handed to me on a golden platter. Money doesn't buy everything. It doesn't buy grades, athletic skills, acting and singing talent. Those are things you must work at. True some come easier than others but not always. If you want something you work for it. I apply that to everything I do. This year is gonna be different for me I'm out to prove myself go out with a bang. I owe myself that much to finally be somebody. I've lastly learned on numerous occasions who I am as a person. I'm really stubborn and always like to be right but I'm determined to make a difference in my life and other people's lives
Monday, April 12, 2010
These are just a few of my hand picked backstage play photos of Your A Good Man Charlie Brown I hope you guys enjoy them they're hiliraous!!! I had tons of fun in this production and so did most of the cast and all of my friends. It was long hours but it all payed off in the end!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Have you ever noticed how sometimes not always history is doomed to repeat itself. Certain situations are unavoidable and when you avoid them anyway then this is one of the times when history is doomed to repeat itself. Some things in life are amazing and miriaclous unbelieveable maybe. I have experienced things like that in my life whether it be the learning of life lessons or influential people in my life. I wish upon shooting stars wishing for certain miracles to happen when you never choose what mircales happen and which ones don't. Fate chooses for you. Although you never know when a miracle hits you for sure you'll realize later that is was a miracle because of it's lasting effect. Miracles are just one of life's many roads. The rest being the choices you make along the way to where ever we go after our passing. Each day is full of life changing events on the way miracles we never thought possible. This is why I try to encourage people to make the choices they see fit since you can never take part in another person's life without their consent. I have to admit I never make the best choices but I think about every angle and encourage people to do what they see fit whether it be good choices, bad choices, or somewhere in between either way we follow a path that we may hate at times but totally end up loving it. But what everybody needs to know is that when history repeats itself the outcome isn't always constant. It's open to change. And this I learned only last night with my brush with a repeat of history. The reason it changes is because everybody's different and we change over the course of time. Being molded into the adults we're gonna be later in life. Unfortunately having the free will that God gave us we all make stupid decisions but the important thing about those is knowing how to fix them or improve them for the next time. If you can't learn from your mistakes how do you expect to be successful later in life? You can't. Stubborness has nothing to do with it and I would know considering I'm one of the most stubborn people you will ever meet. But obviously I've learned A LOT about life if I could write 36 blog posts about what I have learned. The good thing is we never stop learning everyday we learn little things without even realizing it. Life is worth living however long your here. You only get one (as far as we know) and we need to live in a way we'd be proud of.
Caring is defiently more intimate than some people think it to be. So you could basically call caring love. When you care about someone your willing to do anything for them even risk your own life for them. I care about many people my friends and my family. My famous pharse is you have to love someone enough to let them go. If any of my friends died I'd be crying for a days and I'd miss a week of school (breaking my perfect attendence). They're my life, my inspiration and my will to keep going. When you care about someone you feel guitly when you hurt (emotinally) them. You suck it up and apologize no matter how hard that is for you to do.You can't stand the idea of them being mad at you. Believe it or not apologizing helps way more than most people think because it shows your commitment to them and that they're willing to go the distance for them because you care. Although as we all know it doesn't fix everything because fixing something takes time and work. When you care about someone you want to be brutally honest because in the long run they'll be more happy that you told them the truth. That is especially important in relationships. Truthfulness. I always try my best to be truthful with my friends and when I'm not I often feel guilty. I feel really bad overall. Courage to do the right thing for your friends is also needed. Don't let them make stupid mistakes that they'll later regret. I'm glad I have friends like that. Friends that keep pushing me to do what I need to do so I don't regret it later. They support me even if they don't always agree with what I'm doing. They care about me enough to tell me when I simply need to shut the heck up. Which sometimes I need. A little bit of tough love comes with caring too. Being nice and kind but being serious when it gets down to bussines. All and all that pretty much sums caring up. But remeber this list is always being added to so figure out some things of your own to add to the list.