Sunday, April 25, 2010

I'm Done

I'm done acting. I'm done lying. I'm done being somebody I'm not. I"m done pretending. I'm done putting up with things. I'm done watching. I'm done being nice to everyone even when they don't deserve it. I'm done and nothing you say or do is gonna change a thing. I love my life even with all the crazy ups and downs. But I need people to respect my decisions. Begging isn't gonna help you now or later in life. I've made multiple decisions the past few weeks but it seems as though I can't stick to any of them but I'm open to change. I need to change. I know some people would say I'm great just the way I am. But some people know me for who I am and others know me for who I was trying to be. I wrote that pass tense because at certain point in my life I wanted to be a certain person and as we all know when you pretend to be someone for so long that's eventually who you'll become. And now that's not who I want to be. Truthfully I'm the only one who really knows who I am. But describing myself doesn't do me much justice. I'm really hard on myself and sometimes I guess people don't understand that. You wouldn't even be able to guess how much I beat myself up over making some stupid mistake. I take a lot of things seriously. I'm not a really big jokester. I have a hard head I'm extremely stubborn. I know of very few people that can convince me to go against what I want. I'm a fighter. I learned only quite recently that the best things in life are the ones worth fighting for. Fighting until you have nothing left to be fighting for. I'm determined and have a very set view for myself. Therefore if I fall below my own standards I kind of beat myself up about it. I've heard before that I set my standards too high and that I should lower them but I only recently realized why I set them so high. My standards are set high because I need something to keep me going and when you set them high you're always trying to get there to achieve that seemingly impossible goal. Because for me nothing is impossible everything is do able one way or another. But writing that I think about how much of a wimp I can be and I wimp out because I like set plans have everything just so. But I've learned not everything turns out just the way you planned it. One person once told me : you analize everything like your looking at it from above when you actually living it. Maybe there isn't always a reason for everything . And I know why I do that. I'm not big on facing up to reality. I like to pretend even for a little while that everything is perfect when it really isn't. I'm big on covering things up using my acting talent to mask my emotions as best as I can. But another reason I do it is because it's easier to assess a situation when your looking at because when your living it logicailty has nothing to with it anymore. And I like to be logical in my reason. I like excatness and that's probaly why I'm stronger in math and science because most things there have exact answers where as things in English and Social Studies don't always. Surprisingly I like school. I like to learn. People reading this must think I'm insane and yes I am but I like school because it lets me prove myself in a way the outside world doesn't always. It lets me prove myself like this very blog does. It lets me express myself safely in a comfortable way for me. Thank you so much for reading you have no idea how much it really means to me.

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