Friday, December 31, 2010
2010 as a whole really wasn't half bad. Sure I have my regrets but doesn't everybody? I've learned a lot about life, love and friends. I'm growing closer to learning who I am. And I'm growing closer to cracking the mystery's of my past. I would say that it's just another year gone by but that would be such a lie. It's been so much more than a year. It's been a journey, and a battle for so many things. I'm getting closer to becoming a year older and with that brings more wisdom, maturity and responsibility. I'm no longer a child but I'm not yet an adult. It's a hard place to be stuck but you end up learning a lot. It's offically come to a year that I've had this blog and it's finny to look back at the things that plagued me this time last year. Because those same things barely make me blink an eye now. I've become stronger and harder. I've figured out the things that effect me so much. Things that I never thought did. You find out you (me) have major trust issues because of your cousin. I'm not yet done battling her, yes it's quited for now but with her there is always a nect time. But I'm looking forward to the resolutions that i have come to. So now you need to hear about them. The first resolution I've come to is that I have to start putting aside my prejudices and excepting people for who they are. The second resolution is to try harder to be nicer, no matter who the person is everybody deserves a fair chance to see my kindness. My third and final resolution is that I need to stop trying to prove myself, to prove that I'm experiemce. I don't need to prove anything to anybody. I can just be me. And well I guess I kind of have a fourth but I guess it goes without saying, just be myself. Who I aa. I'm still trying to figure that out. But 2010 is a year worth remembering. And I intend to remember it. 2011 will bring new things, things I've never even dreamed of happening. So I"m looking forward to another year full of memories and lessons learned. So thanks 2010 for everything you've given me.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Have you ever gotten to a point in your life where somethings wrong and you just can't seem to tell yourself what. I've pushed aside. I've pretended. I've cryed. But yet I still don't know excatly what's wrong. I can list you all the things I think are wrong but none of them seem right. I can cry a million more tears and still not know what's wrong. I feel gulity, I feel hated, I feel frightened, I feel insecure. I feel a million more things too. Now I'm not helpless I'm making it through, even when it feels so hard that I'd much rather die. I have to keep going because in these times you know that if you just push through they'll be a light at the end of the tunnel. And no i'm not suicidal not about to even attempt to kill myself. So don't even get that idea. But when I sit down with all my emotions sometimes it's too much the worst thing I do is cry and maybe clean but other than that there is nothing more I can do. I can't confront a problem because I don't have one that I can see. I love my life that's no lie. And at the same time I wish I could've lived a different life that's no lie either. I don't lie or at least I try hard not to. Which is what makes wonder what excatly it is that makes me feel gulity. Maybe it was something I said that I wish I didn't or maybe it was something I though. But either way I feel it and I can't take it back whatever I did. When I look at all my friends I have to be truthful I see nothing but love, and respect. But lately I just can't help but seem to feel so hated, like someone's hiding something from me. Like something's bothering someone who's close to me and it's about me. I'm beginning to be scared of the future, what change the future might bring. I mean everything's gonna change in life at one point but I just get so frightened of my whole world crashing down and burning. I feel insecure and like I'm helpless although I'm not. I feel like I've lost all my courage. Like I've lost everything I am. I know that I haven't but yet I simply cannot stop myself from feeling that way. Life is a battle and it isn't over until the day we die. I'd rather be killed in battle than be killed by my emotions and I refuse to let my emotions take over.
Monday, December 20, 2010
I've never been the most faithful person as far as going to church and such goes. But I've always had such strong faith in the workings of God. I believe that he's always with me one way or another and the time I feel his precense the most is around christmas. For me christmas is so much differnt it's about giving and not how much you spend or the gift you give but the fact that your gave them a gift to begin with. That you cared about them enough to give them a gift. I try so hard every year to get all my closet friends just a little something even if it isn't much. Because I know a little kindness goes a long way. But at this point don't we all? This year money has kind of been a crunch for me. And it's really simply just my fault I spent my money on stupid things I didn't really need instead of thinking of the others around me. I give everybody a little something every year even if it isn't much but I know how much it means this time of year. And as far as religion goes for me I think sort of strangely I guess you could say. I don't like to believe that jesus exists really I mean I except the belief but I refuse to believe it. But I just want one person that I can't see to worry about one person I can connect to ya know? And for me there's only one God and he doesn't have kids. But I believe so strongly in my faith and believe that he's there up there somewhere listening to my prayers. I believe everything's better when you open your doors and your heart to love of God. He knows you better than anyone and he's only you can totally trust without any question. He's knows all the answer's to life's greatest questions. And he's there so all those questions eventually have answers. I've never really though about it another way. And I really don't think I need to. I have my faith and that's all there really is to it for me. I'm the kinda person who believes so strongly in things and will fight anybody who argues against it until the ends of the earth. But I'm guessing most of you already know that. I don't like to be told things are wrong, or bad when it's really only a matter if opinon. That's the way I see it whether it be your cellphone service or your taste in music it's all really the same. And it's all really based on nothing but opinons. I love what I love my music, my hair, and my faith. I love them all and never ever want to change them. And I never want to be argued about my opinon. That is defiently my biggest pet peeve. Anyways I love my faith and believe it so strongly. Thanks so much God for simply being there when I needed you.
Monday, December 6, 2010
At the beginning of the summer I told myself this would be the summer of my life. I assumed you and I were still close. But I was so wrong. I was nothing to you anymore. But of course I didn't know that. It made me think maybe you didn't want to be friends with me either, but you didn't have the guts to tell me. Did you know that we're judged all by the choices we make rather than the person we actually are. Your reputation is made up of the choices you make. And I hate to break it to you, but this time you chose wrong. I'm never going to be able to look at you the same way again. But I guess I knew this long before, this happened we weren't walking paths that intersected anymore. It was too late, there was no reset button, no magic fix it buttin. There was no way to fix it at all. We both knew that but we just couldn't bring ourselves to face that reality. Our friendship was done and long past over. We both knew it too. And now I wish I had told myself the truth. Maybe I didn't because I didn't want to let go. I didn't want to let go of the past because the future seemed so uncertain. But the truth is it's always been like that but in this instant I didn't see a future for you and me. So I held on as tight as I could. But that just made it harder to let fo. I'd love to tell you all it ended in a clean break. But it simply didn't. Our break was jaged. It has many cracks and now there are pieces missing. We can never be fit together in the same way again. Our frienship is just too broken to ever be fixed. Our picture is just too faded. When I look back at the memories you've given me, the good and the bad, I wouldn't want them any other way. You have helped me be who I am now and I thank you for that. No matter how much I loath you now. To be truthful. I don't hate you, I could never hat you, but I don't respect who you are now. I always thought I knew you, but now your not you. There's something missing, some tiny little glitch, and it's not my job to fix it. No matter how much I want to, but I can't, it's not my problem. Your no longer part of my picture. Sometimes I question if you ever really were. But then I look back and see the picture with the little white blob where your face used to be. Where you were painted out of my picture. Sweetie I hate to break it to you but it works both ways. The thing about pictures is there's nothing you can hide everything is there in your smile, everything shows in your eyes. And pictures are made of paper so you can smply rip them down the middle and be done with it. That's kind of like what you did except you didn't want to ruin your perfect world with something as messy as ripping. So you simply painted over me and that's really all there was to it.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Although most people don't like Miley Cyrus or Hannah Montana when you really listen to her music it means something and it says something about her or her character. I haven't really done research to see if she actually wrote her songs. But my favorite is defiently "The Climb" it tells you a lot about life. Life wasn't made to be easy or one smooth path, there are so many different rocky, uneven paths that we'll all take to get to the top of that mountain. The top of the moutain will always be so close, but just a tiny bit out of reach until the day we die. That's how life was made to be. Life's a climb but the view's great. Which means in the end your life was worth it and you don't regret anything. The way that songs looks at life is reality. Life is something you must work for and hiding and keepign secrets from the ones you love won't get you anywhere. It taxes you and makes life so much harder than it needs to be. It's like trying to climb up the side of the mountain but there's a big smooth bolder in the way clearly blocking your path, you can't go over it, you can't go under it, you can't go around it, and well you can't go through it. So that leaves you with what choice? Turn around and go home? Is that even an option in life? In life when there's no solution you don't give up, you should never give up. You just keep fighting. No matter what even your set up to lose and you know you will. I'd rather die fighting for what I wanted or what I thought was right, then die not trying to win the endless game of life. Is that life really is? A game? I guess for some people it is but for me, I look at life with many, many analogys and I guess a game is one of them. But the difference is games end. But life doesn't. I mean ya we die but it takes a lot longer for us to die then a game takes to be played. The similarites between games and life are the fact that you won't always win or be winning. It won't always be your turn to go, your turn to shine. You won't always be able to make the choices for yourself or call your own shots. In life there never really is an always and a never. Everything in life comes with a someimes because we don't always get to decide what happens, and when it happens, what other people say and do. And all the things like that. Life is uncertain and it always will be that way. It's easier to experience what we can then to hid ourselves from the world around us, from the opprtunites that are waiting for us the minute we walk out our front door.
If only you had told me the truth, I wouldn't be sitting here wondering what else you've lied to me about. If only you had told me the truth it would've saved me some pain and hurt I find myself feeling. I would tell you to your face but one look into your twinkling eyes and I would forgive you in a heart beat. And for the facet that I don't like to fight and I don't like drama. But how could you think I wouldn't find out. How do you think I feel now? You are one of the best friends I've ever had but now I wonder where your loyalties lie? You see how that works? One wrong move and your whole existence is questioned. Does that seem right? Does that seem fair? Truthfully it never is but it's simply the price you pay. Millions of questions are flying through my mind. Questions I would never dare ask you. Was our friendship ever real, ever true? Who matters more me or him? These are the questions that burn in my mind the questions that I'll always desperatly want an answer to. And the questions everybody would ask Why did you do it? And What did I ever do to deserve this? Most of the time the answer is nothing. Nobody ever deserves to question their existence or anybody else's for that matter. People will always be in your life either to make it or break it, it's simply that even though that's the name of my all time favorite TV show. But it's a true fact of life. Right now whether I want to admit it or not I'm struggling with what, I don't know yet. That's the hardest part. I don't know what I'm struggling with. And I don't know how to get it out, whether it be on paper of some method. But you should know lately I'll turn to a blank sheet of paper and the words just don't come and I don't have the time to wait for them to come. I anticipated a huge writer's block during the duration of the summer but never did I think it would feel like this. That a part of myself would feel so empty without that writing. Writing to me is more than just words on paper. To me writing is about knowing what's going on inside your head. It's knowing youself