Thursday, May 27, 2010

So Lost

Some mornings I wake up and I know excatly what I want to do and who I want to be. While others I am just so lost, confused and unsure. I hate those mornings. I then readily anticipate the bad day I know could possibly happen. To me these times tell me that I've hit another fork in the road of life. It may be just a minor one but occasionally it ends up being a major one. In my life I'm stuck at a major one. I thought I had made my final decision but apparently not because instead of going on my way I got lost. Really lost. Right now I know that I might spend a good amount of my time lost before finding the road I'm meant to take this time around. There's still lessons I'm meant to learn first. I'm learning how to be who I always was but never could be. And unfortunately for me I have not yet mastered that. It's something that may take time to learn and a good amount of time. I now realize just how much I'm capable of. I'm pretty torn. I want to be who I was so that I can suddenly piece myself back together. I want to be that person, that couldn't be broken. That couldn't feel pain. I remeber that day during december vacation after sending that one single text message that changed me forever. That was one of the best and worst moment of my life. Because that moment I finally felt all the emotions I had earlier held back. Those emotions that were brewing inside me waiting for just the right moment to strike. Who knew the one moment I decided to fight against a higher power was the moment that changed my life forever. I didn't know where I wanted to go anymore, but I knew I was fighter. Right now I'm going through one of the biggest struggles of my life. Being protestant or catholic. What I want to do when I grow up be logical and go to college for a stable job or pursue performing arts possibly giving up my soccer career with that. I'm being presented with five or more different paths and being forced to choose. I can't just walk away and leave it all behind because I'm surrounded with only choices and more choices. If I walk away I have to have a road to follow. There is no inbetween. It's a yes or a now. There is no maybe. And there never will be.

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