Saturday, May 1, 2010

Unsure of My Next Road

For once in my life I don't know what I'm gonna do next. I've chosen my road but I've forgotten how to walk. It's one of those things that is easier said then done. I love my friends ALL my friends but that doesn't I'm always going to take your side. But I'm done taking sides I can't do it anymore it hurts me because it makes me feel like I favor one over the other. Some friendships are meant to last forever and others aren't that just how it works. God has figured out for but it's up to us to figure out what that is. At this point I don't know what I'm going to do. I thought I was on one side but then I realized that I'd be ashamed to be a part of that. I'm really sorry to anyone that I've hurt. Because most of you don't desreve it. There's some things about life I understand completely and others that are a total blur. I don't know everything. And I need help. I need someone to guide me. Sitting hear at my computer writing this I have tears welling up in eyes. Because I know I'll miss the people behind making this choice. I never intended to hurt to any of you and I don't intend to either. Although I'm kinda of violent. I'm still a good person I don't like to see people get hurt. True somethings are unavoidable but that doesn't make up for anything. My life is way more complicated than I anticipated. I thought by spiltting myself up to share with everybody would be a healthy decision but in turn I left a part of myself with each person I'm met and befriended. And some of those pieces I'm never get back. So in turn I'm stuck. I'm being pulled in so many different directions. And tonight I finally decided what I have to do to make it stop. I have my choose my third option. The option I never thought I do. Let Go. Let go of the bar that I still hang from and fall. The worst that can happen is I'll get bruised a little bit. But we all must risk a fall at least once in our life. We all need that wake up call. I knew I couldn't hang there forever I knew that it would be taken away and I would have to get down. But I never knew that I would choose to jump. I never knew the choices that I would make. I never knew who I was going to be until now. I'm someone who works hard for what she wants. Who is as stubborn as a bull. I never give up. So admitting to failure is a hard thing for me. I'm someone who keeps everything inside until I blow my top. And I don't like that but it's one of things I just except because it's harder for me to tell people what's wrong. Because some people will never understand. I'll miss everything I'm leaving behind but I know I won't look back. It's not something I want to go back to truthfully. It's something that was meant to be left behind. I know life isn't perfect but that's not what I'm achieve. I don't perfection. I'm not in search of perfect friends. I'm in search of friends who aren't afraid to fall. Who understand that admitting to something isn't like going to jail. I'd be happier if you just admitted what you said or did was wrong and move on. I'm really sorry to any of you are reading this. And you may or may not be left behind. But I'm sorry somethings need to be done and theres no way around it. I don't wish to hurt anyone doing what I'm doing. But I can't pretend anymore. Pretend as if nothings wrong. Pretend as if I'm alright. Pretend like I'm someone different to myself and to others. Pretend like nothing ever happened when it did. I can't stand it. I just want peace for myself and for others. And if becoming a loner is what it takes to achieve that I'll do it. I'll do anything to get out this. I can't just plow through life anymore like nothing hurts, when it really does. I'm good at hiding my feelings I've been doing it for almost 5 years since I was in 4th grade. I remeber that time as clear as day the time. When I found out not all friendships are innocent and gentle. That not all friends are meant to last forever. But some are. I know which friends in my are for keeps and which ones need to be left behind. I knew I couldn't hold on forever and so now I'm finally letting go.

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