Oppsy!

SMACK!
That was all it took for me to snap back to reality. My face stinging in hurt, in rage, in confusion. Who knew what my fate would lead to? The betrayl of the person I'd always trusted. Maybe I should've seen it coming considering her attutiude towards me all year long has been awful and almost makes me want to not've ever met her. This whole entire year I've never seen her be a good friend once to me. Never not once. To me there's a devil hidden behind those innocent eyes. The girl I wisj I'd known was there all along. So that somehow I would've been prepared. So that somehow I would've seen it coming. Writing this I don't even think I should forgive her. It only built up to this and somehow I know that this time maybe I just shouldn't forgive her. I give her so many chances already. Could this really be my last straw? Does she really deserve a millionth chance? Is it definitly a chance worth giving? I guess you could say I have a soft heart. I forgive people too easily sometimes and they don't always deserve it. It isn't fair to me because in the end it just deepens my never healing wound. The wound that always stands as a constant reminder to me that life indeed hurts sometimes. I've learned that life has it all planned out for us. It seeks us out and makes us look in the mirror. Makes us see what we protected ourselves from. What we didn't see. What we hope to never see again. My final words to my diligant readers are as follows many people say don't judge a book by it's cover but even open books tell lies; are unclear or puzzling and even they can betray you

Poetry

I've recently taken a brief liking to poetry and wrote a few pieces and yes they are definitly not typical poetry so please enjoy!

Poem #1: How

How do you expect me to understand
when you won't even let me in?

How do you know who I am
when your never there to talk to?

How can you be so cruel
when I keep giving you chances?

How can you expect me to there forever
when your never there for me?

How do you know next time you need me
I'll even be there?

How can you live with yourself knowing how
you just ruined someone's day?

How do you know there will even be
a next time?

How don't you know that some day
I'll run out of chances and be
done waiting?

How do you know? How can you know?


Poem # 2: Why

Why do tears come to my eyes
when I think about what you do?

Why do you cause me so much
pain?

Why must you do what you do?
Is it really nessary?

Why can't I ever speak?

Why am I never good enough for you?
Never important enough?

Why must you shut me out
when your all I really need?

Why do you keep going
even when I scream stop?

Why do you never seem to understand?

Why will you never see how much your actions will eventually cost you?

A Friendship

A Listener

A Fighter


Poem # 3: Now

Now lines are way past drawn

Now I wish I could do it all over again

Now I wish you didn't hate me

Now it's too late

Now I wish it wasn't

Now I wasnt to thank you for everything

For being there all those years

And now for showing me what I'm not missing

Now I want you to know

That who you once were is not who you are now

And when I look in the mirror

I keep looking at the person you created

The person that grew despite the times

you put her in the dark


So that's it I wrote those for the best friend that I thought I knew but was too stupid to realize that the girl standing in front of me wasn't the same one standing there 3 years ago they may share the same body but they're definitly not the same person.

NewsFlash!

I'm not perfect and no duh I haven't got life figured out. I'm not good at the whole forgive and forget thing. I'm wayy better at forgetting than I am at forgiving. I don't think I'm like the coolest person in the world and maybe my personaitly comes off like that sometimes. But really I just don't care what people think about me. If can't except me for who I am then I'm not gonna give a damn about you. So understand this don't like me than don't bother hanging around with me and if you choose to except me don't treat me like a rat off the street. I can't change where I come from who my family is what decisions my parents make for me. So if your gonna give me crap about that then you're not a true friend. I can only change what I have control over and that doesn't mean I'm gonna change for you because I don't live up to who you want me to be. I'll be who ever I want to be. Don't like who I've chosen to be then just leave me alone because unfortunately not everything's about you all the time.

It Finally Hurts

It hurts to be me. It hurts to feel like you've lost who you are. It hurts to be lost and scared. It hurts to feel like everything you've ever had or wanted is gone now. Poof it disappered into thin air. That's how I'm really feelinglike I've lost everything. But when I look around me I have everything. But when I look again it's gone. When I came home from swimming today I wanted to cry and cry. Because I hate who I've become. I don't like her. I wish she never existed. I wish I could've been smart and taken the easy way out to do what I was born to do. But I gave it all up and took the stupid way out. And now I have to live with it whether I like it or not. I finally feel the pain for everything I've ever done. I'm getting what I deserved big time. I think I defiently desereve it. I've let myself waste away for too long and I'm done. I understand now you have to fight for what you want. I don't know how to be myself anymore. I feel like every part of me is gone. I feel like I don't deserve anything anymore. Like I'm worthless. Everyday at least once my heart sinks to my knees and I just want to break down and cry. I don't want to talk. I want to be alone. Alone with my thoughts, my books, my writing. Alone is every sense of the word. But I guess I'm too loved for people to give up on me that quickly. They know that although I'm broken and battered I'm still the same girl they know I just need a little bit more work to put back together again.

So Lost

Some mornings I wake up and I know excatly what I want to do and who I want to be. While others I am just so lost, confused and unsure. I hate those mornings. I then readily anticipate the bad day I know could possibly happen. To me these times tell me that I've hit another fork in the road of life. It may be just a minor one but occasionally it ends up being a major one. In my life I'm stuck at a major one. I thought I had made my final decision but apparently not because instead of going on my way I got lost. Really lost. Right now I know that I might spend a good amount of my time lost before finding the road I'm meant to take this time around. There's still lessons I'm meant to learn first. I'm learning how to be who I always was but never could be. And unfortunately for me I have not yet mastered that. It's something that may take time to learn and a good amount of time. I now realize just how much I'm capable of. I'm pretty torn. I want to be who I was so that I can suddenly piece myself back together. I want to be that person, that couldn't be broken. That couldn't feel pain. I remeber that day during december vacation after sending that one single text message that changed me forever. That was one of the best and worst moment of my life. Because that moment I finally felt all the emotions I had earlier held back. Those emotions that were brewing inside me waiting for just the right moment to strike. Who knew the one moment I decided to fight against a higher power was the moment that changed my life forever. I didn't know where I wanted to go anymore, but I knew I was fighter. Right now I'm going through one of the biggest struggles of my life. Being protestant or catholic. What I want to do when I grow up be logical and go to college for a stable job or pursue performing arts possibly giving up my soccer career with that. I'm being presented with five or more different paths and being forced to choose. I can't just walk away and leave it all behind because I'm surrounded with only choices and more choices. If I walk away I have to have a road to follow. There is no inbetween. It's a yes or a now. There is no maybe. And there never will be.

Blast From the Past

I was going through my stuff the other day and found this little speech that I wrote to one of my friends. Now let me give you a little background on these. So typically when I'm mad or upset I write these to get some of my feelings out. And these little speeches hold so many feelings therefore they don't hold back. I write whatever my heart wants to say so here it is:
I am sick of taking
other people's crap. And I
can tell by all of your actions
just how much you actually
care what I think or
what you're doing to me
Everyday I learn to hate you
more and more. Does it really
hurt to let me talk just this
once. Why does it have to be all
about you? The last time I
checked I was important too!
I expected way better of you
than what I've seen for a while
So far your the worst friend I've
EVER had and you don't give a damn
about what you're putting me
through you could pretty much
careless! For some reasons
I don't understand why I
keep giving you chances considering
you just waste them! I don't
understand why I'm still friends
with a self-center bitch like you!
So yes there are some strong words in there. After reading this (even though I know I wrote it) I felt bad for that girl that, I kneew had to go through all that. I remeber that time clearly. It was an awful time for me. And one of the reason I started to write this blog was to get all that anger out in my writing. I needed a filter that almost helped releave my burden, take some of the weight off my shoulders. Right now I'm so grateful for it. It's allowed me to be who I truly am without sacrificing anything on my part.

Again & Again

Sometimes I lay awake at night and think why me? Why is it always me? Why am I always stuck witht the girls that don't know how to be happy? Why I am I never rewarded for the good things I do? And finally why do I always seem to realize things a little too late? All these questions are stupid and mindless. They can never be answered, but they can be pondered. Thought about until your mind explodes. Truthfully I do this all the time -ponder the questions that cannot be answered- and it is kind of a waste of time. Because although thoughts are important they won't get you very far. They'll drive you insane for sure. (If they haven't already). Sometimes I feel as though my life is a song. No matter how many times you listen to it, it's always the same. Which relates to everyone really; inside we'll always be the same person no matter what. But what we exibit on the outside makes others believe we've changed. For a long time, my life was an act. I didn't know how much was truth and how much was lie. And indeed I wasn't proud of it. I felt like I was lying to myself more than anybody. At that point I felt as though I owed it to myself to be who I was. And eventually I was done pretending. And became the person that I deserved to be. It was a hard road and it still is. It has tons of bumps because I've faced the fact that the road of life isn't perfect; much liken our world. Trust me it does get better but only in time. And when life repeats for you know that, that isn't nessairly a bad sign, it just means that your life may need some improvement. And that isn't a bad thing it just means that you have a chance to make yourself even better than you already are. Embrace life it isn't a punishment. It's a never ending journey .