I Just Want You to Know.....

How much you hurt me.How much I wish I could change time. How much I wish she never existed. How much I still hate you. How much I miss you. How hard it's become for me. That you helped make me who I am today and you'll always be in my heart no matter what happens between us. And finally I'll never forget you. So many people have touched me and most of these people are as distant to me as japan is to new england. But none the less they touched me just as much as my close friends have. Your social status, feelings towards me, and everything in between don't matter to me. But all the people I've come across on my never ending path of life have all touched my heart and helped mold me. Whether their influence be positive or negative I'm grateful for them. Because without them I wouldn't be who I am today. Who knows if you'd even be reading this. The people who I hate have touched me more than they will ever know. They've shown me the person I don't want to be. The person I'll never let myself be. Sometimes I feel like people think I've got my life figured out. What I want to do. Where I'm going. Who I'm gonna be. But like any teenager I don't. I just play the never ending game of life day by day. Taking on whatever life throws at me and dealing with it. Yes I'm not perfect so I tend to stumble from time to time. Make mistakes. Believe it or not there's so much about my life I regret. Parts of my life I never want to relive. Those are the moments I bury deep in my backyard. The moments I'll find myself digging up someday because their pain will no longer hurt me. I just want you to know that I know that sometimes all you can do is your best and from now on I'm excepting that. I'm excepting that from everybody that's all I can expect. Thank you for being there when I needed you and for making your own mistakes.

Sometimes

Sometimes things don't always go as planned. Sometimes you just can't understand. And sometimes it's too late. Too late to redeem yourself. Too late to change the past. Too late for second chances. Too late to fix what you messed up. Sometimes you have to except faliure and move on because that's all you can do. Faliure is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength because it shows that your willing to risk falling. And anybody who is willing to risk falling gains the most respect in my eyes each and everyday. They prove to me that standing tall and strong as themselves is more important to them than stupid things like what others think, their reputation and so much more than that. I've learned quite recently that some people would much rather judge without knowing and then passing them off not even waiting to see what they're missing. People go through life and they're presented with so many opprotunity's endless amounts. And many we find ourselves passing up. But sometimes we come across one or two that we accept whether it be because we like what we're seeing or because we care enough to dig a little deeper. And other times we find ourselves letting go of the opprotunites we had previously chosen for ourselves. We have so many choices and decisions we often find that much of ourselves is slipping through the cracks in the process. So that when we see something we like better than the first thing we let the first thing slam in our faces loosing that opprotunity. And when we realize we really don't want the second thing it's already too late. We've let the first thing slip through the cracks. In life we make one choice. There are no compromises or maybes. We set out on a path where everything in the present is your only choice and everything in the path is too late to retrive. I wish I could stress to you the importance of one decision. But it would be no use considering we all make that mistake once in our life whether it be now or later. It will happen and we just have to except it. That's the only way out

You Need to Know

that you don't always get your way. That your not always right. And finally that you can't just run away from your problems. Someday they're gonna catch you. You can't just expect your problems to disapper because you ran away. Because unfortunately your problems have legs too. As werid as it sounds and they will chase you trust me. Been there,done that. And I learned that facing your problems gets you a whole lot further than running ever will. Sometimes you don't know everything. You can think that all you want but that will never make it true. Life doesn't always go as planned. Unfortunatley it has a mind of it's own. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason. And that fate decides where you'll go in life. And that only God knows the true reason why. Why things happen the way they do. Why people end up the way they do. And why things don't always go our way. I've learned through many hard times that when the wind blows, turning your back to it is a sign of weakness and when a volcano erupts and you stand strong. You die a hero for being brave enough to put yourself out for being fearless ( or an idiot that can be debated). But either way I'd want to die a hero more than die someone with far too many holes in their life that they could never repair.

I Miss You

There's so many people in my life that I miss dayly. They're the people I never stop thinking about. The people I want back in my life. The people that never die in my eyes. The people I want back in my life. The people that I shed the most tears over. I miss my two best friends who understood me completely. They never ceased to amaze me. But unfortunately they're long gone and my window of oppritunity has long closed. But my tears shed over them were not wasted ones. Because on my part it showed my ability to care for another. But what they did to me showed the true cruelty of man. How heartless and souless we can be from time to time or even for a prolonged period of time. Now that is something I do not miss at all. But some how I miss my two best friends that I knew before all of this. The two easy-going girls I used to walk to every arts class with. The two girls that I missed terribly after arts period was over. The same two girls that changed me and ruined me forever. The two girls that I'll never look at the same way again. The girs that I knew are definitly lost forever. Because after the day they made the choice to run away from their problems they took their truly evil forms. I'll never forget the moment that I realized they weren't what I needed anymore not what I wanted. I'll indeed miss the people they were but it's time that I except the people they are now. I mean I'm still learning the concept of forgive and forget. Truthfully I'm better at forgetting than I am at forgiving. Yes I'm a good grudge holder. If I find a reason to hate you, you better run for cover because because it ain't gonna be a pretty picture. Trust me, not pretty. I'm not perfect and I feel like sometimes people think I am. That people think I've got life figured out. That I've got everything figured out and newsflash I don't! I miss th simple life I used to lead the life that didn't have problems beyond my best friend exculding me at recess. Now I'm beginning to see that complicated doesn't always work. Learning is not limited to books and classrooms. Learning is unlimited. We learn where ever we go with whatever we do. Being open to life in general opens your heart and mind to learning. So open your heart and your mind to the unknown parts of life.

Oppsy!

SMACK!
That was all it took for me to snap back to reality. My face stinging in hurt, in rage, in confusion. Who knew what my fate would lead to? The betrayl of the person I'd always trusted. Maybe I should've seen it coming considering her attutiude towards me all year long has been awful and almost makes me want to not've ever met her. This whole entire year I've never seen her be a good friend once to me. Never not once. To me there's a devil hidden behind those innocent eyes. The girl I wisj I'd known was there all along. So that somehow I would've been prepared. So that somehow I would've seen it coming. Writing this I don't even think I should forgive her. It only built up to this and somehow I know that this time maybe I just shouldn't forgive her. I give her so many chances already. Could this really be my last straw? Does she really deserve a millionth chance? Is it definitly a chance worth giving? I guess you could say I have a soft heart. I forgive people too easily sometimes and they don't always deserve it. It isn't fair to me because in the end it just deepens my never healing wound. The wound that always stands as a constant reminder to me that life indeed hurts sometimes. I've learned that life has it all planned out for us. It seeks us out and makes us look in the mirror. Makes us see what we protected ourselves from. What we didn't see. What we hope to never see again. My final words to my diligant readers are as follows many people say don't judge a book by it's cover but even open books tell lies; are unclear or puzzling and even they can betray you

Poetry

I've recently taken a brief liking to poetry and wrote a few pieces and yes they are definitly not typical poetry so please enjoy!

Poem #1: How

How do you expect me to understand
when you won't even let me in?

How do you know who I am
when your never there to talk to?

How can you be so cruel
when I keep giving you chances?

How can you expect me to there forever
when your never there for me?

How do you know next time you need me
I'll even be there?

How can you live with yourself knowing how
you just ruined someone's day?

How do you know there will even be
a next time?

How don't you know that some day
I'll run out of chances and be
done waiting?

How do you know? How can you know?


Poem # 2: Why

Why do tears come to my eyes
when I think about what you do?

Why do you cause me so much
pain?

Why must you do what you do?
Is it really nessary?

Why can't I ever speak?

Why am I never good enough for you?
Never important enough?

Why must you shut me out
when your all I really need?

Why do you keep going
even when I scream stop?

Why do you never seem to understand?

Why will you never see how much your actions will eventually cost you?

A Friendship

A Listener

A Fighter


Poem # 3: Now

Now lines are way past drawn

Now I wish I could do it all over again

Now I wish you didn't hate me

Now it's too late

Now I wish it wasn't

Now I wasnt to thank you for everything

For being there all those years

And now for showing me what I'm not missing

Now I want you to know

That who you once were is not who you are now

And when I look in the mirror

I keep looking at the person you created

The person that grew despite the times

you put her in the dark


So that's it I wrote those for the best friend that I thought I knew but was too stupid to realize that the girl standing in front of me wasn't the same one standing there 3 years ago they may share the same body but they're definitly not the same person.

NewsFlash!

I'm not perfect and no duh I haven't got life figured out. I'm not good at the whole forgive and forget thing. I'm wayy better at forgetting than I am at forgiving. I don't think I'm like the coolest person in the world and maybe my personaitly comes off like that sometimes. But really I just don't care what people think about me. If can't except me for who I am then I'm not gonna give a damn about you. So understand this don't like me than don't bother hanging around with me and if you choose to except me don't treat me like a rat off the street. I can't change where I come from who my family is what decisions my parents make for me. So if your gonna give me crap about that then you're not a true friend. I can only change what I have control over and that doesn't mean I'm gonna change for you because I don't live up to who you want me to be. I'll be who ever I want to be. Don't like who I've chosen to be then just leave me alone because unfortunately not everything's about you all the time.