Dear God

I've never been the most faithful person as far as going to church and such goes. But I've always had such strong faith in the workings of God. I believe that he's always with me one way or another and the time I feel his precense the most is around christmas. For me christmas is so much differnt it's about giving and not how much you spend or the gift you give but the fact that your gave them a gift to begin with. That you cared about them enough to give them a gift. I try so hard every year to get all my closet friends just a little something even if it isn't much. Because I know a little kindness goes a long way. But at this point don't we all? This year money has kind of been a crunch for me. And it's really simply just my fault I spent my money on stupid things I didn't really need instead of thinking of the others around me. I give everybody a little something every year even if it isn't much but I know how much it means this time of year. And as far as religion goes for me I think sort of strangely I guess you could say. I don't like to believe that jesus exists really I mean I except the belief but I refuse to believe it. But I just want one person that I can't see to worry about one person I can connect to ya know? And for me there's only one God and he doesn't have kids. But I believe so strongly in my faith and believe that he's there up there somewhere listening to my prayers. I believe everything's better when you open your doors and your heart to love of God. He knows you better than anyone and he's only you can totally trust without any question. He's knows all the answer's to life's greatest questions. And he's there so all those questions eventually have answers. I've never really though about it another way. And I really don't think I need to. I have my faith and that's all there really is to it for me. I'm the kinda person who believes so strongly in things and will fight anybody who argues against it until the ends of the earth. But I'm guessing most of you already know that. I don't like to be told things are wrong, or bad when it's really only a matter if opinon. That's the way I see it whether it be your cellphone service or your taste in music it's all really the same. And it's all really based on nothing but opinons. I love what I love my music, my hair, and my faith. I love them all and never ever want to change them. And I never want to be argued about my opinon. That is defiently my biggest pet peeve. Anyways I love my faith and believe it so strongly. Thanks so much God for simply being there when I needed you.

Painted out of the Picture

At the beginning of the summer I told myself this would be the summer of my life. I assumed you and I were still close. But I was so wrong. I was nothing to you anymore. But of course I didn't know that. It made me think maybe you didn't want to be friends with me either, but you didn't have the guts to tell me. Did you know that we're judged all by the choices we make rather than the person we actually are. Your reputation is made up of the choices you make. And I hate to break it to you, but this time you chose wrong. I'm never going to be able to look at you the same way again. But I guess I knew this long before, this happened we weren't walking paths that intersected anymore. It was too late, there was no reset button, no magic fix it buttin. There was no way to fix it at all. We both knew that but we just couldn't bring ourselves to face that reality. Our friendship was done and long past over. We both knew it too. And now I wish I had told myself the truth. Maybe I didn't because I didn't want to let go. I didn't want to let go of the past because the future seemed so uncertain. But the truth is it's always been like that but in this instant I didn't see a future for you and me. So I held on as tight as I could. But that just made it harder to let fo. I'd love to tell you all it ended in a clean break. But it simply didn't. Our break was jaged. It has many cracks and now there are pieces missing. We can never be fit together in the same way again. Our frienship is just too broken to ever be fixed. Our picture is just too faded. When I look back at the memories you've given me, the good and the bad, I wouldn't want them any other way. You have helped me be who I am now and I thank you for that. No matter how much I loath you now. To be truthful. I don't hate you, I could never hat you, but I don't respect who you are now. I always thought I knew you, but now your not you. There's something missing, some tiny little glitch, and it's not my job to fix it. No matter how much I want to, but I can't, it's not my problem. Your no longer part of my picture. Sometimes I question if you ever really were. But then I look back and see the picture with the little white blob where your face used to be. Where you were painted out of my picture. Sweetie I hate to break it to you but it works both ways. The thing about pictures is there's nothing you can hide everything is there in your smile, everything shows in your eyes. And pictures are made of paper so you can smply rip them down the middle and be done with it. That's kind of like what you did except you didn't want to ruin your perfect world with something as messy as ripping. So you simply painted over me and that's really all there was to it.

The Climb

Although most people don't like Miley Cyrus or Hannah Montana when you really listen to her music it means something and it says something about her or her character. I haven't really done research to see if she actually wrote her songs. But my favorite is defiently "The Climb" it tells you a lot about life. Life wasn't made to be easy or one smooth path, there are so many different rocky, uneven paths that we'll all take to get to the top of that mountain. The top of the moutain will always be so close, but just a tiny bit out of reach until the day we die. That's how life was made to be. Life's a climb but the view's great. Which means in the end your life was worth it and you don't regret anything. The way that songs looks at life is reality. Life is something you must work for and hiding and keepign secrets from the ones you love won't get you anywhere. It taxes you and makes life so much harder than it needs to be. It's like trying to climb up the side of the mountain but there's a big smooth bolder in the way clearly blocking your path, you can't go over it, you can't go under it, you can't go around it, and well you can't go through it. So that leaves you with what choice? Turn around and go home? Is that even an option in life? In life when there's no solution you don't give up, you should never give up. You just keep fighting. No matter what even your set up to lose and you know you will. I'd rather die fighting for what I wanted or what I thought was right, then die not trying to win the endless game of life. Is that life really is? A game? I guess for some people it is but for me, I look at life with many, many analogys and I guess a game is one of them. But the difference is games end. But life doesn't. I mean ya we die but it takes a lot longer for us to die then a game takes to be played. The similarites between games and life are the fact that you won't always win or be winning. It won't always be your turn to go, your turn to shine. You won't always be able to make the choices for yourself or call your own shots. In life there never really is an always and a never. Everything in life comes with a someimes because we don't always get to decide what happens, and when it happens, what other people say and do. And all the things like that. Life is uncertain and it always will be that way. It's easier to experience what we can then to hid ourselves from the world around us, from the opprtunites that are waiting for us the minute we walk out our front door.

If Only

If only you had told me the truth, I wouldn't be sitting here wondering what else you've lied to me about. If only you had told me the truth it would've saved me some pain and hurt I find myself feeling. I would tell you to your face but one look into your twinkling eyes and I would forgive you in a heart beat. And for the facet that I don't like to fight and I don't like drama. But how could you think I wouldn't find out. How do you think I feel now? You are one of the best friends I've ever had but now I wonder where your loyalties lie? You see how that works? One wrong move and your whole existence is questioned. Does that seem right? Does that seem fair? Truthfully it never is but it's simply the price you pay. Millions of questions are flying through my mind. Questions I would never dare ask you. Was our friendship ever real, ever true? Who matters more me or him? These are the questions that burn in my mind the questions that I'll always desperatly want an answer to. And the questions everybody would ask Why did you do it? And What did I ever do to deserve this? Most of the time the answer is nothing. Nobody ever deserves to question their existence or anybody else's for that matter. People will always be in your life either to make it or break it, it's simply that even though that's the name of my all time favorite TV show. But it's a true fact of life. Right now whether I want to admit it or not I'm struggling with what, I don't know yet. That's the hardest part. I don't know what I'm struggling with. And I don't know how to get it out, whether it be on paper of some method. But you should know lately I'll turn to a blank sheet of paper and the words just don't come and I don't have the time to wait for them to come. I anticipated a huge writer's block during the duration of the summer but never did I think it would feel like this. That a part of myself would feel so empty without that writing. Writing to me is more than just words on paper. To me writing is about knowing what's going on inside your head. It's knowing youself

The Bigger Picture

Sometimes life seems great and wonderful to you but you step back and take a look at the bigger picure and the world is in tears it's raining and pouring. Everybody around you is living in poverty well you living in a manison on a hill. Not even being the good person and sharing your wealth with the people who aren't as fortunate. You see your friends sitting at the bottom of the hill sitting inbetween their little shacks enjoying a rolld of bread together. Because that's all they have left. They look aboslutely miserable, you climb down to try to understand. You get to the bottom and they all look up at you with those cold, sad, eyes realizing that your only passing through to steal their bread or destroy their shacks the idea of you coming to apologize or even try to understand is crazy. You look down at them again and speak asking "What Happed?". But again they only look up at you with the same cold, sad eyes, but this time they're full of wet shiny tears. They look away and you have no idea what to make of it. You climb back up the hill feeling like someone has stuck a needle just a tiny bit into your heart not enough so your in deathly pain but enough that you feel a pinch that will not go away. You've stepped back into your portion of the picture. I can't make you understand or make you see my picture. I can only show you what you want to see and nothing more. I can't make you see the outcome of your decisions or the tears cried because of you. I can only make you see what you want to. I can't undig the hole you've dug so deeply and I can't go back and change the things you've done. I can't make you see the bigger picutre. I can only do what people like me do sit here and let the pain and sorrow build up while I put on a smile that is fake to cover up the pain. I'm really sorry because I understand now. I understand the pain you've felt. And now I know that you can't truly understand something unless you've felt their pain. Until you've understood their sorrow. I'd never expect you to understand what you can't see. Everyday we choose the path we're going to take and everyday the path either changes or continues. Our lives aren't decided for us. We've got control whether we're 14 or 40 we ALWAYS have a choice. Take a look at the bigger picture before you draw a final conclusion or get mad at your friend for being angry with you. Set into their shoes and walk around for a while you may learn a lot and it may lead you to understand.

What I realize now

I realize that you should never care what other people think. Their statement, judgement, or opinion isn't law so why must you go by it? Who cares what people think. They're only one person in the billions of people populating our planet. Why should their opinion count more than someone elses? Whats so special about them anyways? I realize that we're capable of anything if we tell ourselves we can do it. And I'm not joking. All we really need to do is believe that we can do it. Let go of all our greatest fears and just believe. Believe in ourselves and our capability to do just about anything we set our minds to. I accomplished one of my greatest fears. And after I did it I thought "wow that really wasn't as hard as I made it seem!". I realize that it's okay to lose yourself every once and a while. It's okay. Sometimes losing yourself is just what you need to get back on the track you wanna be on. I realize that you only get one chance at everything in life. Second chances are rare. I always wonder if I'll be blessed to have a second chance at the things I messed up. The things that aren't too late to fix. I was lucky enough to be able to patch up my life to recreate what I needed that I had lost. I always thin about how not everybody gets to be that lucky. What happens to the people who can't patch up their lives? Are those the people that end up commiting sucide? I don't really have a complete answer to that question. But I know I was lucky beyond my wildest dreams. And that I might never get another chance like that. But I except that. I except the challenge we are all faced with. I realize now just how lucky I've been to have been touched by so many people. So many friends. The opprotunites my life's been given and the battles I was honored to fight in. The battles that I don't regret fighting. I realize how much of my life I regret the decisions I made, the people I decided to trus, and the people I pushed away. I wish I could've experienced life more and broken out of my protective shell and well lived a little! If only I had known who I'd be now then I'd probaly be in for the shock of my life! Because I was quiet and contained! And well look at me now. Well I've sure learned a lot over the years and I hope to learn much more. Every year older is a year wiser

Listening to Your Heart

We often find ourselves ignoring our hearts maybe because our minds are more important or because we really don't care what our hearts have to say. Either way it's constant whispers are often being neglected. I started to listen to my heart in 5th grade I remember that day excatly. I was walking up the soccer field lightly tapping my ball between my feet walking to my brother's soccer practice across the field. I looked around me and saw a guy, my age, in my class sitting on the field with 2 of his friends. I suddenly heard him whisper to his friends something about me being bad at dribbling. I was intended to hear it. And you probaly know this kid: short, dark-haired, extremely annoying must I say more? Well anyway that was the day I first heard my heart speaking to me. And the day my life changed forever. I was beginning to lose my innocence bit by bit. Slowly but surely. There was no stopping it now. I suddenly transformed into a giggly little school girl with my best friend and sidekick. It was picture perfect. But it could only last so long. The school year came to a close and so did that phase of my life. I barely talked to him after that even everyday that summer when I saw him at my pool club. Everything we had died. It was as simple as that. At the beginning I longed for everything back and sometimes still do. I miss what we had but I know now that I can live without him. Or maybe I found people along the way to patch up the holes he left behind. But then I met another who patched up all the holes but in turn cause one to hurt. He's one that now I simply cannot get over. No matter what I do. No matter what I try. I can't get him out of my head. I don't care if my guy psyic says I have no chance because he doesn't like me back. Because I know in my heart that's not true. I see that little annoying glitter in his eye when I walk by him in the hallway. I see when we catch eyes in class and we both snap our eyes away each of us afraid that the other will see deeper than the surface. And see what we both try so hard to hide. But I have to say he does an awful job of hiding it. Probaly due to the fact that most of the time he manages to be a total idiot. But for some reason I just can't manage to give up on him. I keep listening to my heart and my heart refuses to let go of him no matter what. So as long as my heart says so I won't give up. Sometimes listening to your heart is beneifical and other times it isn't. But living by what your heart says gets you farther than your head alone will. A quick warning to those who may doubt these very words : Sometimes your heart can be wrong.