The Climb

Although most people don't like Miley Cyrus or Hannah Montana when you really listen to her music it means something and it says something about her or her character. I haven't really done research to see if she actually wrote her songs. But my favorite is defiently "The Climb" it tells you a lot about life. Life wasn't made to be easy or one smooth path, there are so many different rocky, uneven paths that we'll all take to get to the top of that mountain. The top of the moutain will always be so close, but just a tiny bit out of reach until the day we die. That's how life was made to be. Life's a climb but the view's great. Which means in the end your life was worth it and you don't regret anything. The way that songs looks at life is reality. Life is something you must work for and hiding and keepign secrets from the ones you love won't get you anywhere. It taxes you and makes life so much harder than it needs to be. It's like trying to climb up the side of the mountain but there's a big smooth bolder in the way clearly blocking your path, you can't go over it, you can't go under it, you can't go around it, and well you can't go through it. So that leaves you with what choice? Turn around and go home? Is that even an option in life? In life when there's no solution you don't give up, you should never give up. You just keep fighting. No matter what even your set up to lose and you know you will. I'd rather die fighting for what I wanted or what I thought was right, then die not trying to win the endless game of life. Is that life really is? A game? I guess for some people it is but for me, I look at life with many, many analogys and I guess a game is one of them. But the difference is games end. But life doesn't. I mean ya we die but it takes a lot longer for us to die then a game takes to be played. The similarites between games and life are the fact that you won't always win or be winning. It won't always be your turn to go, your turn to shine. You won't always be able to make the choices for yourself or call your own shots. In life there never really is an always and a never. Everything in life comes with a someimes because we don't always get to decide what happens, and when it happens, what other people say and do. And all the things like that. Life is uncertain and it always will be that way. It's easier to experience what we can then to hid ourselves from the world around us, from the opprtunites that are waiting for us the minute we walk out our front door.

If Only

If only you had told me the truth, I wouldn't be sitting here wondering what else you've lied to me about. If only you had told me the truth it would've saved me some pain and hurt I find myself feeling. I would tell you to your face but one look into your twinkling eyes and I would forgive you in a heart beat. And for the facet that I don't like to fight and I don't like drama. But how could you think I wouldn't find out. How do you think I feel now? You are one of the best friends I've ever had but now I wonder where your loyalties lie? You see how that works? One wrong move and your whole existence is questioned. Does that seem right? Does that seem fair? Truthfully it never is but it's simply the price you pay. Millions of questions are flying through my mind. Questions I would never dare ask you. Was our friendship ever real, ever true? Who matters more me or him? These are the questions that burn in my mind the questions that I'll always desperatly want an answer to. And the questions everybody would ask Why did you do it? And What did I ever do to deserve this? Most of the time the answer is nothing. Nobody ever deserves to question their existence or anybody else's for that matter. People will always be in your life either to make it or break it, it's simply that even though that's the name of my all time favorite TV show. But it's a true fact of life. Right now whether I want to admit it or not I'm struggling with what, I don't know yet. That's the hardest part. I don't know what I'm struggling with. And I don't know how to get it out, whether it be on paper of some method. But you should know lately I'll turn to a blank sheet of paper and the words just don't come and I don't have the time to wait for them to come. I anticipated a huge writer's block during the duration of the summer but never did I think it would feel like this. That a part of myself would feel so empty without that writing. Writing to me is more than just words on paper. To me writing is about knowing what's going on inside your head. It's knowing youself

The Bigger Picture

Sometimes life seems great and wonderful to you but you step back and take a look at the bigger picure and the world is in tears it's raining and pouring. Everybody around you is living in poverty well you living in a manison on a hill. Not even being the good person and sharing your wealth with the people who aren't as fortunate. You see your friends sitting at the bottom of the hill sitting inbetween their little shacks enjoying a rolld of bread together. Because that's all they have left. They look aboslutely miserable, you climb down to try to understand. You get to the bottom and they all look up at you with those cold, sad, eyes realizing that your only passing through to steal their bread or destroy their shacks the idea of you coming to apologize or even try to understand is crazy. You look down at them again and speak asking "What Happed?". But again they only look up at you with the same cold, sad eyes, but this time they're full of wet shiny tears. They look away and you have no idea what to make of it. You climb back up the hill feeling like someone has stuck a needle just a tiny bit into your heart not enough so your in deathly pain but enough that you feel a pinch that will not go away. You've stepped back into your portion of the picture. I can't make you understand or make you see my picture. I can only show you what you want to see and nothing more. I can't make you see the outcome of your decisions or the tears cried because of you. I can only make you see what you want to. I can't undig the hole you've dug so deeply and I can't go back and change the things you've done. I can't make you see the bigger picutre. I can only do what people like me do sit here and let the pain and sorrow build up while I put on a smile that is fake to cover up the pain. I'm really sorry because I understand now. I understand the pain you've felt. And now I know that you can't truly understand something unless you've felt their pain. Until you've understood their sorrow. I'd never expect you to understand what you can't see. Everyday we choose the path we're going to take and everyday the path either changes or continues. Our lives aren't decided for us. We've got control whether we're 14 or 40 we ALWAYS have a choice. Take a look at the bigger picture before you draw a final conclusion or get mad at your friend for being angry with you. Set into their shoes and walk around for a while you may learn a lot and it may lead you to understand.

What I realize now

I realize that you should never care what other people think. Their statement, judgement, or opinion isn't law so why must you go by it? Who cares what people think. They're only one person in the billions of people populating our planet. Why should their opinion count more than someone elses? Whats so special about them anyways? I realize that we're capable of anything if we tell ourselves we can do it. And I'm not joking. All we really need to do is believe that we can do it. Let go of all our greatest fears and just believe. Believe in ourselves and our capability to do just about anything we set our minds to. I accomplished one of my greatest fears. And after I did it I thought "wow that really wasn't as hard as I made it seem!". I realize that it's okay to lose yourself every once and a while. It's okay. Sometimes losing yourself is just what you need to get back on the track you wanna be on. I realize that you only get one chance at everything in life. Second chances are rare. I always wonder if I'll be blessed to have a second chance at the things I messed up. The things that aren't too late to fix. I was lucky enough to be able to patch up my life to recreate what I needed that I had lost. I always thin about how not everybody gets to be that lucky. What happens to the people who can't patch up their lives? Are those the people that end up commiting sucide? I don't really have a complete answer to that question. But I know I was lucky beyond my wildest dreams. And that I might never get another chance like that. But I except that. I except the challenge we are all faced with. I realize now just how lucky I've been to have been touched by so many people. So many friends. The opprotunites my life's been given and the battles I was honored to fight in. The battles that I don't regret fighting. I realize how much of my life I regret the decisions I made, the people I decided to trus, and the people I pushed away. I wish I could've experienced life more and broken out of my protective shell and well lived a little! If only I had known who I'd be now then I'd probaly be in for the shock of my life! Because I was quiet and contained! And well look at me now. Well I've sure learned a lot over the years and I hope to learn much more. Every year older is a year wiser

Listening to Your Heart

We often find ourselves ignoring our hearts maybe because our minds are more important or because we really don't care what our hearts have to say. Either way it's constant whispers are often being neglected. I started to listen to my heart in 5th grade I remember that day excatly. I was walking up the soccer field lightly tapping my ball between my feet walking to my brother's soccer practice across the field. I looked around me and saw a guy, my age, in my class sitting on the field with 2 of his friends. I suddenly heard him whisper to his friends something about me being bad at dribbling. I was intended to hear it. And you probaly know this kid: short, dark-haired, extremely annoying must I say more? Well anyway that was the day I first heard my heart speaking to me. And the day my life changed forever. I was beginning to lose my innocence bit by bit. Slowly but surely. There was no stopping it now. I suddenly transformed into a giggly little school girl with my best friend and sidekick. It was picture perfect. But it could only last so long. The school year came to a close and so did that phase of my life. I barely talked to him after that even everyday that summer when I saw him at my pool club. Everything we had died. It was as simple as that. At the beginning I longed for everything back and sometimes still do. I miss what we had but I know now that I can live without him. Or maybe I found people along the way to patch up the holes he left behind. But then I met another who patched up all the holes but in turn cause one to hurt. He's one that now I simply cannot get over. No matter what I do. No matter what I try. I can't get him out of my head. I don't care if my guy psyic says I have no chance because he doesn't like me back. Because I know in my heart that's not true. I see that little annoying glitter in his eye when I walk by him in the hallway. I see when we catch eyes in class and we both snap our eyes away each of us afraid that the other will see deeper than the surface. And see what we both try so hard to hide. But I have to say he does an awful job of hiding it. Probaly due to the fact that most of the time he manages to be a total idiot. But for some reason I just can't manage to give up on him. I keep listening to my heart and my heart refuses to let go of him no matter what. So as long as my heart says so I won't give up. Sometimes listening to your heart is beneifical and other times it isn't. But living by what your heart says gets you farther than your head alone will. A quick warning to those who may doubt these very words : Sometimes your heart can be wrong.

Building A Wall

By the time septemeber hit it was too late I had spent all summer collecting materials for my wall. Construction was beginning. By the end of october the wall was finished and I was stuck behind it by my choosing. I was sick of people ruining my life and playing with my heart. So I made the decision to put up the wall to keep them out. All I had left for communication was a little slot 1 brick high and 2 bricks wide. I didn't think to bring anything to keep me alive. I had nothing.And the whole time I was there I blamed myself. I don't think that I would've survived without the love from my friends that could still reach me. The love that was endlessly pouring through my small little slot. And the very few people who could make the wall disappear for a moment in time so they could visit me. But it only lasted so long and then I was alone again. It's fair to say I spend a good 3 months trapped by choice behind that brick wall. I guess by mid-decemeber the little slot began to grow bigger. Big enough for someone to crawl through. And they started coming to visit me. Slowly but surely they did. And bit by bit they helped me take down my wall. They began to prove to me that I was not to blame. I was merely putty in another person's hands. They showed me that the world needed me. It just wasn't the same without me. So I agreed to come back but at first I needed them as my crutches. I was just too weak to stand on my own. But eventually I gained my strength back. And I was beginning to pull my shattered self. back together. I needed plenty of duck tape to hold myself together while I healed. I couldn't be the same exact person I was when that wall went up. I was just too broken. Too confused. Too hurt. To be the same person. I needed some new parts. And as soon as I obtained those new parts the healing process began. The ink of my emotions began to pour out onto paper. And the fiber of who I am began to take root. All the answers to my questions became clear. And I was done healing for the time being. I was free again and it felt amazing, to be free again. I was done playing by the rules someone else had set for me. I wasn't going to be anybody's puppet any longer. There was no body who would take me down. None of them had the nerve and even the few that did try didn't succeed. I was done being told who I was going to be, by people that had no right to control my life. I wasn;t putty in anybody's hands anymore. I was simply me and that was the end of it. I'm glad that I took down that inconvient wall because it got in the way of my living my life. I don't wish for it to not have happened because then a strip of my being would be ripped away from me. Sometimes we need the reality check to prove to ourselves that we're wrong and that it's never too late to right your wrong.

Life is Too Short

Although I haven't been around too long I sure know that living in the moment is the key to a happy life. You're not always gonna make decisions that you'll be proud of. But that isn't the end of the world. We make mistakes and plenty of them. We do things we regret, things we wish we could take back. But in the end we can't and all we can do is move on. Some of us are better at that than others but we all cope in our own ways. Whether it be pushing those mistakes to the back of your mind and trying so hard to forget about it. Like me. or face up to th fact that you've done something wrong and move on. But that's not how my life works so thats not how this piece is gonna go. I've spent the majority of my life running. Runnning from all the mistakes I've made. Believe it or not I ran. I wanted nothing to do with the mistakes I made. But some where along the way something changed. Something imporant. I wish that I knew what but even I don't know what that change was. Boy, do I wish I knew unfortunately I don't. I've learned running gets you no where, no matter how fast or how far you go. You'll always end up in the same place. It's a fact of life that many of us neve face up to. I guess if I had to take a guess at this change I would probaly guess the time when I began to feel again. The time when my full burden was released upon me and I cracked under the weight. The burden wsa simply too much for me to bare. And I started crying myself to sleep over what my life had become. I couldn't take it. It was just too much. Crying helped to the extent that it lessened my burden for a mere moment in time. After a while it was impossible to go on with a nice fake smile on my face. It just didn't work. I couldn't hide behind the mask of fake well being any longer. So I didn't. I just stopped and embraced the life I had. The life I couldn't fight against. It was was just too strong, too sure that I could make it through my rough patch. It kept pushing me forward despite my protests and my begging. It just kept going even if it had to carry me to get where I was going. And despite evreything I did it was right. I made it through with plenty of scratchs and bruises but not completely whole. It could only help me so much the rest I had to do by myself. Life wasn't made simple or easy. It has many twists and turns and plenty of bumops that are unavoidable. Life's too short to dwell on the things we can't control, can't change. It's too short to spend a lot of time on the stupid things. Now here's my advice to you: take the little moments and them plenty big. Make them moments you would gladly relive. Time goes by dast so embrace the time you have when you have it. because you'll never get it back.