Save Your Heart

All day I've had my favorite song stuck in my head and I'm slightly annoyed by it. But I can't stop thinking about what i means to me. And who it means to me. By the way the song is Save Your Heart by Mayday Parade and in case you haven't heard it I'll put it up on my youtube bar. Anyways it's an amazing song and who it made me think of surprised me a lot. I mean I always knew that deep down I had some feelings for him but I never thought this song of such meaning would make me think of him. Would make the feelings come up, from the seep down. The whole thing I just can't stop thinking about. Yes I'm still young so no I don't know who really is the one and I kinda want to stay young for a while. But that is kinf of what the song is about just so you know. Either way I now find myself emotionally attached to this kid that I want nothing to do with. All day I've been in an undetected romatically emotional mood. It wasn;t extremely hard core, so it's extremely curable so it can be cured within a couple days time. But still you always wonder, why your heart came up with that as a reference. Why it picked him.

New Beginnings

Have you ever had to restart in a new place, you knew nobody. Your chances of surviving were well 1 out of 99. Very slim. The people who go into situations with this mindset are going to have that outcome. I mean my word isn't law so it isn't guranteed but go into anything with a positive attitude and you'll at least get close to winning. Not everybody is good at making new friends, this is true. But even I once thought that I was bad at it, but now that I come to realize it, making friends is easy, what makes it hard is being nervous or forgetting we have a voice and we forget who we really and truly are. When your in a new place it's no lie to say it's easier to try to fit in with everybody else, then just be yourself. But the way I see it people you respect you more when you're you, a real person. But then again in high school there is so real respect. I wish there was. Respect is such an important part of a relationship between friends or between anybody. It doesn't matter everybody should respect each other. That's what new beginnings are about, a clean slate, nobody knows you, nobody knows what you're known for. You could be anything you wanted to be. We don't get chances like these often and some of us never will.

My Prize Finally

For the majority of the winter I’ve been miserable beyond belief. Miserable enough to think about dying. Miserable enought to consider many insane things. All because no one in my world had any respect for anybody else. And therefore I have a couple of people i want to thank for my winter downfall, (No name 1 and 2) you’ve won the prize for making me miserable. Congrats. No name 1 out of all the people in my life that have disappointed me the most you’re now on top. You have it in you to be one of the biggest bitches I’ve ever met. Trust me I’ve seen it. You beat me down until I felt so badly about myself I spent a whole morning on the bus debating with myself whether or not suicide was the best option. That’s not something I would want to be remembered for. But you did it anyway you sat in my car and listened to my stories or rather didn’t listen as retold so maybe that time you’d hear it. But if I remember correctly you never did. I don’t know about you but that makes me feel worse than shit because not only does it show me that you don’t respect me in anyway but it also shows me that you don’t care about anybody except yourself. Because if you did you’d work up the courage to listen whether or not you wanted to. That’s what I do for you all the time I might not be in the mood but I listen anyway because I do care and I know how it makes a person feel, I know what it bring a person to. And No name 2 I have no real indepth long story about what you did, but I wish when I came head to head with you I’d been in a better place in my life because I wouldn’t have let you walk all over me like I did. And all I have to say to you is You don’t know at all so just stop pretending like you do. And stop pretending like you know everything and I don’t matter. Because last time I checked you don’t know shit about me and you don’t know what I know, and what I’m capable of. But either way you didn’t have any right to do what you did and you still don’t. And I’m so glad basketball season is over because now all I really have to do is make it through the banquet which shouldn’t be hard since I made it through the whole season and look I’m still alive. But this weekend I got to go to the movies with some friends who actually wanted to spend time with me, and I came back feeling better than I had in weeks maybe months. I can’t thank you danielle and catie enough for that. It was a lot of fun that I hadn’t had in a long, long while. I for now am restored to truly happy bubbly Anissa. And for now nobody’s gonna bring me down thanks to my friends who got through this without even knowing it. I love you guys <3

Mine

In the beginning
I scoffed and I mocked you
I loved you, yet I hated you
I wanted nothing to do with you

You had only eyes for me
But I ended up being the girl
Who smashed your face to the ground

I was pretty
I was smart
I was nice
And I was funny

But I was too good to be true
You loved me and I burned you and broke you down
And now I wish I could undo it all

MLS

Green eyes like grass
muscles like a rock

My world
My heart
MY hand in yours

Your kiss on my lips
Your electric touch on my skin

My best friend
My worst enemy
My favorite person

And finally mine
I call that love

Thanks 2010

2010 as a whole really wasn't half bad. Sure I have my regrets but doesn't everybody? I've learned a lot about life, love and friends. I'm growing closer to learning who I am. And I'm growing closer to cracking the mystery's of my past. I would say that it's just another year gone by but that would be such a lie. It's been so much more than a year. It's been a journey, and a battle for so many things. I'm getting closer to becoming a year older and with that brings more wisdom, maturity and responsibility. I'm no longer a child but I'm not yet an adult. It's a hard place to be stuck but you end up learning a lot. It's offically come to a year that I've had this blog and it's finny to look back at the things that plagued me this time last year. Because those same things barely make me blink an eye now. I've become stronger and harder. I've figured out the things that effect me so much. Things that I never thought did. You find out you (me) have major trust issues because of your cousin. I'm not yet done battling her, yes it's quited for now but with her there is always a nect time. But I'm looking forward to the resolutions that i have come to. So now you need to hear about them. The first resolution I've come to is that I have to start putting aside my prejudices and excepting people for who they are. The second resolution is to try harder to be nicer, no matter who the person is everybody deserves a fair chance to see my kindness. My third and final resolution is that I need to stop trying to prove myself, to prove that I'm experiemce. I don't need to prove anything to anybody. I can just be me. And well I guess I kind of have a fourth but I guess it goes without saying, just be myself. Who I aa. I'm still trying to figure that out. But 2010 is a year worth remembering. And I intend to remember it. 2011 will bring new things, things I've never even dreamed of happening. So I"m looking forward to another year full of memories and lessons learned. So thanks 2010 for everything you've given me.
Love, Anissa

Oh my

Have you ever gotten to a point in your life where somethings wrong and you just can't seem to tell yourself what. I've pushed aside. I've pretended. I've cryed. But yet I still don't know excatly what's wrong. I can list you all the things I think are wrong but none of them seem right. I can cry a million more tears and still not know what's wrong. I feel gulity, I feel hated, I feel frightened, I feel insecure. I feel a million more things too. Now I'm not helpless I'm making it through, even when it feels so hard that I'd much rather die. I have to keep going because in these times you know that if you just push through they'll be a light at the end of the tunnel. And no i'm not suicidal not about to even attempt to kill myself. So don't even get that idea. But when I sit down with all my emotions sometimes it's too much the worst thing I do is cry and maybe clean but other than that there is nothing more I can do. I can't confront a problem because I don't have one that I can see. I love my life that's no lie. And at the same time I wish I could've lived a different life that's no lie either. I don't lie or at least I try hard not to. Which is what makes wonder what excatly it is that makes me feel gulity. Maybe it was something I said that I wish I didn't or maybe it was something I though. But either way I feel it and I can't take it back whatever I did. When I look at all my friends I have to be truthful I see nothing but love, and respect. But lately I just can't help but seem to feel so hated, like someone's hiding something from me. Like something's bothering someone who's close to me and it's about me. I'm beginning to be scared of the future, what change the future might bring. I mean everything's gonna change in life at one point but I just get so frightened of my whole world crashing down and burning. I feel insecure and like I'm helpless although I'm not. I feel like I've lost all my courage. Like I've lost everything I am. I know that I haven't but yet I simply cannot stop myself from feeling that way. Life is a battle and it isn't over until the day we die. I'd rather be killed in battle than be killed by my emotions and I refuse to let my emotions take over.